Southend U3A

June 2024

Tap, Tap, Tap - Malcolm Fyfe

On any sunny Sunday, any road or street could be a haven for activities such as the sound of lawn mowers murmuring across gardens, the digging of garden beds or maybe just hanging over the fence talking about absolutely nothing of importance. Car washing was another activity with bucket and sponge and a tin of polish.

Now Percy, recently retired from the city loved his car with its red leather seats and leather covered steering wheel and not forgetting the walnut veneer dashboard. He was known for keeping it clean and shiny and he would sit on the driveway polishing the hub caps until they shone. Now it should be said Percy was absolutely and totally unmechanical and occasionally, although not very often would lift the bonnet, after a struggle and gaze with confusion at its mysterious innards, shaking his head and lowering it carefully until it clicked shut.

His neighbour, Tony, knowing this would help, occasionally checking the oil and water and even the tyres pressures.

On a glorious spring day, Percy decided to go for a drive. Now Percy had had a definite lack of navigational skill, apart from a lack of understanding what made the wheels go round, so his ever-patient wife sat ready with the map on her lap ready to help. He started the car and eased out of the drive.

His wife heard it first, a regular Tap, Tap, Tap. whats that? she questioned?

Percy slowed the car and stopped, in doing so irritating a lorry driver who glared at Percy as he had stopped the car almost in the middle of the road.

‘I don’t know, it’s stopped now anyway.’ They moved off and again a persistent tap, tap, tapping which seemed to stop when the car stopped.

Now in a fret, Percy muttered, ‘Better go home,’ his ears now attuned to this irritating noise. ‘I’ll get Tony to check it.’

So, Percy drove home slowly, annoying yet more drivers as he crawled along.

The next morning Tony was amused to see Percy driving slowly up and down the drive. ‘What’s going on Perce?’ Now that mispronunciation of his name grated on Percy, who hated being called that, it made him even more peeved than the noise he couldn’t identify.

‘I’ve got this rattly tap, tap, just listen,’ moving the car a few feet.

‘Thats odd,’ Tony replied, ‘seems to stop when you do.’

‘I know that,’ Percy muttered, ‘what do you think it could be?’

‘I’m not sure, get Dave at the garage to have a look, move it again.’

Percy eased the car forward. ‘Hm, might be your jingling pins.’

‘Oh, is that serious?’ a now alarmed Percy squeaked.

‘Not sure but Dave will sort it out.’

Next day Percy drove to the garage and was directed onto the rolling road by the Dave who owned the garage, having been tipped off by an early call. ‘You’ve got a problem?’

‘Yes, it’s a tap, tap, tapping, it’s very annoying.’

Stifling a grin and folding his arms in concentration, ‘Let’s listen,’ as he set the roller going to rotate the front wheels.

Percy was now hopping from one foot, ‘There it is, can you hear it?’

‘What did Tony say it was?’

‘He wasn’t sure but suggested it might be the jingling pins.’

At this a muffled laugh came from a younger lad working in the next bay.

‘Don’t think it’s your pins but could be your popping valves.’

‘What’s a popping valve?’

‘Ok, they are connected to your gudgeon pins that hold your pistons to your cotter pins, its really quite simple.’

It didn’t seem simple to Percy, whose mind was a turmoil of visions of springs and various bits going round when they shouldn’t, all possibly resulting in a mighty bang of stuff he didn’t understand.

‘Tell you what, don’t worry, let’s book it in and we’ll get it sorted out, probably not that bad’ he said kindly, trying to relieve Percy of his anxious turmoil. ‘I’ve got an idea, when you get it home might be a good idea to check your hub caps, get them off and make sure they’re tight, can you do that?

Percy nodded. I’ve got a big screwdriver, will that do?’

‘Yes’, replied Dave now desperately trying to hold it together. See you in a few days.’

Now home Percy told his wife of the situation and the suggestion regarding the hub caps. Duly getting his screwdriver from the kitchen drawer, he duly set about the job. Firstly, at the rear then tapping the hub caps on with an old rubber hammer which was so old had inherited it years ago - very good for bashing on paint tin lids.

Then round to the front to repeat the procedure. Off came a cap with a little extra surprise, a large round pebble fell out. Yes, Percy was surprised, then confused then a dawning of a realisation of the cause of his problem and the culprit, he’d ben had!

Percy had a good sense of humour. ‘I’ll get you back, Tony.’

Tap, tap, tap went the last hub cap, with Percy now a little wiser.