Southend U3A

November 2023

Twas the Night before Christmas - Jan Norman

‘Twas the knights before Xmas and all through the Castle
Not a creature was stirring not even a rascal . . .’
[Actually, that was not true as many rascals were awake but what else rhymes with castle?]
Anyway, my story starts in a castle; the castle of King Aga and Queen Give It ‘ere in the city of Cam a Lot, capital of the magical kingdom of Avalot.

As you may guess, it was Christmas Eve and the famous knights of the Nearly Round Table were sitting round the huge fireplace in the King and Queen’s apartments telling jokes and roasting their nuts; big glossy chestnuts freshly gathered from the King’s Forest.

Granny Amelia Fruitloops, the kindly witch wife of Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, had just had a broomstick message delivered from Merlin the Magician. The news was not good. Poor Merlin had caught a bad dose of Magical Leakyitis and was confined to bed. This was a kind of Flu that only people with magical powers could catch. It did not last long but for a few days you leaked all of your magic and it made you feel poorly. On hearing this, the King started to worry whether or not the most magical being of all, Father Christmas or any of the reindeer had caught Magical Leakyitis. How would all the children of the world get their presents tonight if they had?

As if on cue they all heard jingling bells getting louder and louder accompanied by a huge whooshing noise. This was followed by the sound they feared the most, a plaintive cry from above; Santa himself, ‘H.E.L.P! I’m losing power. I’m coming down.’

King Aga fell back in surprise and landed on his crackers. Cursing he leapt to his feet and yelled with as much authority and conviction as he could muster, ‘Sir Rust a Lot, this is a National Emergency; go to Defcon 1. Launch the Red Dragons. Top Guns Red Dragon 1 and Red Dragon 2 must intercept the sleigh and assist Santa and his reindeer to reach ground safely. The rest must lock down the field they land in. Once the perimeter is secure, a field hospital needs to be set up and equipped to treat the sick or injured. No member of the public must know Santa and his team are earth bound. Make them comfortable until the rest of us can join them and put on our thinking caps to see what can be done to rescue Christmas. Which reminds me, Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, you must send for your son Walter to join us; he will know how to help Santa as he is very good at solving problems.’

Sir Rust a Lot leaned out of the window and whistled for his own personal dragon transport and was soon flying off to initiate Defcon 1.

Queen Give it ‘ere jumped up and, brushing crumbs from her beautiful red gown trimmed with white ermine; one of the many expensive presents given to her by King Aga, shouted, ‘What are we waiting for? Grab anything you think we might need and we’ll be off. Santa desperately needs help,’ grabbing a couple of cushions and a throw by way of example.

Sir Eat a Lot, after wedging two pork pies in his mouth, stuffed his pockets with more and naturally Sir Drink a Lot filled his with bottles of wine. Sir Gets Confused a Lot, looking puzzled, started emptying his. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, after seeing his beautiful Amelia fly out of the window on her broomstick sighed, and, wondering what foolhardy plan she was hatching, tried to turn his mind to the present and help.

Soon everyone, including the King and Queen, with arms full, jostled and elbowed each other in the doorway in their haste to be first out and bundled down the stairs to the courtyard. Mounting their horses, they headed towards the sparkling rainbow vapour trail that marked Father Christmas’s rapid descent. Sir Rust a Lot’s horse, Bony Knock Knees, not to be left behind, kicked down his stable door and followed.

Sir Rust a Lot and the Red Dragons had done a brilliant job. A hospital under canvas had been hastily erected and equipped and the perimeter guard positioned.

Bursting inside, King Aga and his team came face to face with an amazing scene, Father Christmas, stripped to his undies and Rudolph, his usual beacon red nose now shrivelled and grey, were laying on trestle beds. Both weak but conscious. Every time they breathed out, clouds of rainbow coloured magic poured out of their mouths and from, in fact, every orifice they possessed. The rest of the reindeer and the small team of accompanying elves seemed unaffected and were sitting out of the way in a quiet corner looking subdued and very worried. The sleigh stood near the tent entrance, thankfully unscathed and still full of small sacks, each filled with brightly wrapped presents.

Father Christmas tried to raise himself on one elbow to greet King Aga but failed. King Aga waved him down. ‘No, no old boy, lay still and save your energy.’

‘But I must explain,’ cried Santa, ‘the situation is dire. I do not have enough magic left to keep the sleigh airborne and Rudolph does not have enough magic to fly and lead the others. We have delivered toys to all the children in the world except those living in Cam a Lot. What can be done? How can we leave those poor mites with no Xmas?’

At this Sir Cry a Lot started to cry and Sir Pray a Lot started to pray but everyone else remained silent. Unable to think of a solution.

Then noises outside turned every head and the tent flaps were pushed aside and Amelia and Walter burst through, dragging a huge net full of Merlin’s Magical balloons – with the safety catches on of course, so that they were not tugging to be airborne.

Amelia, catching her breath and with the timing of an actress, pronounced dramatically, ‘Everyone, we have the answer. ‘Sir Goes Berserk a Lot will be Father Christmas. The sleigh will be powered by lots of Merlin’s magical balloons slung in a cargo net underneath which, when activated, will make it fly. Bony Knock Knees will be dressed up like a reindeer and kept airborne by strategically placed broomsticks, lent to me by my dear sister witches. I will be in the sleigh with my brave husband so that I can steer the broomsticks. Any questions?’

Sir Goes Berserk a Lot stared at the sleigh, then Amelia, ‘Have you gone mad? You will never get me up in that contraption.’

Amelia stared at her husband with big sorrowful eyes. ‘The children,’ was all she said. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot was beaten.

Everyone threw themselves into action, all wanting to make this plan work. ‘Firstly you,’ Amelia announced, taking her husband’s hand, ‘You will have to start kissing Santa. This way you can inhale some of the magic leaking out of him and Bony Knock Knees you will kiss Rudolph.’ Both looked horrified and then started running for the door but King Aga blocked the exit.

‘Sir, I will lay down my life for my king and country but I will not kiss Santa,’ blurted poor Sir Goes Berserk a Lot. As the king drew breath ready to command him to obey Walter rushed in holding four sink plungers with the handles removed and two pieces of hose.

‘You won’t need to, you can both use these.’ Whilst talking he joined two of the sink plungers with a section of hose and then did the same to the other two. You place one plunger over Santa’s mouth and the other over Dad’s and Rudolph and Bony can do the same.

Soon both were dazed but glowing and sparkling, both holding as much magic as they could. Next, Amelia started ripping off Sir Goes Berserk a Lot’s clothes and dressing him in Santa’s which made him blush and giggle until he realised she meant to take off his sporran, the only thing covering his modesty. They both wrestled with the object until the strap broke. Queen Give it ‘ere raised her eyebrows and giggled. Berserk went bright red. Suddenly the Queen lifted up the hem of her gown and ripped off a length of the white fur trimming from the edge. ‘Anyone got any glue? This will make an excellent beard for you.’ King Aga winced at the ruining of her gown and what it was going to cost him to replace it.

Bony knock Knees was not faring any better either. Fearing where Amelia was going to place the broomsticks as she approached him from behind, he held his breath then sighed a huge sigh of relief as he felt two broomsticks passing under his belly and being fastened with straps round his middle. False antlers fashioned from small branches was King Aga’s contribution and the Queen then sacrificed a piece of her petticoat to tie them to Bony’s head. Feeling an absolute laughing stock, Knock Knees hung his head and small tears escaped from under tightly squeezed lids. Then, to his surprise, he felt soft lips nibbling his and he opened his eyes to see love and admiration pouring from Babycham’s eyes. He stood up tall. He was now convinced he could do this.

Soon all was ready. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, holding the reins with one hand and Amelia’s hand with the other, gave Bony Knock Knees and the other reindeer the office to start. The magic balloons were activated and the sleigh began to rise into the inky blue of the night sky.

The glow worm trapped in a piece of the queen’s red dress glued to Knock Knees’s nose began to buzz angrily and glow even brighter. Squinting cross eyed down his muzzle to look at it took his mind off the terrifying launch and he soon began to see the funny side of things and laugh in his own horsey fashion.

Dragon outriders had escorted the sleigh until well and truly airborne then, giving the ok by waggling their wings, peeled away left into the darkness. Santa two and company were now completely on their own. The chief elf set his magic sat nav to plot the most efficient route over Cam a Lot so that they passed over all the houses on Santa’s list. At every house an elf aimed the correct sack of presents down the chimney and waited until the ‘Poof’ of magic coming back up told him it had landed safely. Only once did he hear an, ‘Ow! Who threw that?’ but nobody was hurt.

With the last sack of toys delivered they turned for home. Laughing happily, they wished each other a Merry Christmas and turned their thoughts to their roast goose Christmas dinner, with Plum Pudding to follow.