Southend U3A

January 2023

The Laptop Of The Gods - Lynn Gale

‘Good Morning, you have reached Mount Olympus appeals. Please be aware that we are extremely busy at this time due to high demand. Your plea is important to us, and we will endeavour to answer it as soon as possible. Position in the queue 25,373.’ Andreas slammed his fist on the table in temper, “What is the point of having a central hub when you have to wait ages for a response.”

Selene, his wife, hurried over, a large urn in her arms. “No point getting angry, my love.” She poured him a cup of sweet, watered wine.

“What was wrong with the old way?” Andreas lamented, “A small sacrifice, a bit of supplication, then ’Eureka,’ we had our answer.”

“It’s called progress, dear.” Selene placed her hand on his shoulder, feeling the tension in his neck. “I heard it was Cronus’s idea, he was offered a computer from a travelling salesman, who convinced him it would make a God’s life much easier.

“So they can have more time to lie around supping mead and feasting on ambrosia, while we have to listen to an automated voice.

A rumble of Thunder could be heard in the distance.

“Hush, now, you must not incur their wrath.” Selene picked up a fruit bowl. “Let me feed you some grapes to soothe your temper.”

Andreas lounged across the couch while his wife plucked off the juiciest berries and fed them to her agitated husband. “What about poor Dimitris,” he wailed, “whose love for Helen compelled him to sacrifice his favourite goat to Eros. His plea was forwarded to Eurus, who sent a wind strong enough to blow him over a cliff. He had to be rescued by fishermen.

Selene poured her husband more wine. “I bet that dampened his ardour.”

“And when Celeste prayed to Hermes to deliver a package to her brother. Imagine her terror when Hades turned up on her doorstep to collect. Her Father had to grovel before the Underworld God not to take his only daughter." Andreas stood up. “We need to make a stand. This modern technology is just not working.”

A crash of Thunder above their villa made Andreas and Selena cling together in fear.

“Now you’ve done it.” Selena’s eyes filled with tears.

“Andreas of Athens,” boomed a deep resonating voice, “I want to talk to you.”

Andreas stared into his wife’s eyes. “I am sorry, my love,” he cried. "Take care of our children. I now must go and face my fate.”

Andreas walked for two days until he reached Mount Olympus. On entering the great hall, he was surprised to find the Muses rushing around and sheets of printed paper blowing in the Mountain wind. The Gods looked equally exasperated as they attempted to organise the prayers.

Zeus looked down on the small, terrified figure of Andreas. “So, you made a plea in defiance of your Gods that everything went back to how it was before.”

“Yes, O Magnificent Zeus, I admit, that is what I said.” Andreas threw himself on the floor. “My wife and children warned me, but I would not listen. Please, do not punish them.”

“Thank goodness,” Zeus smiled as he sent a thunderbolt through the Laptop. “I’ve been wanting to do that since Cronus bought it here. You have done well, Andreas of Athens, and I reward you with health, wealth and happiness for the remainder of your life."