Writing for Fun
July 2022
Secret Obsession - Jan Norman
King Aga was sitting hunched over his desk staring at a flyer sent in by his Chancellor. It advertised the Avalon Strollers. Could this be the answer to his dilemma? He chewed harder on the end of his quill pen in his agitation. It was now November and he had still not found a suitable theatrical company to put on a play for his guests on Boxing Day. He was the great King Aga living in his magical castle of Cam a Lot. His beautiful Queen Give it ‘ere and his magnificent knights of the nearly round table deserved the best Christmas he could provide. Could this company be the one? Miranda, lead lady of the troupe was waiting in the king’s antechamber hoping to be admitted. Time passed.
He didn’t hear his Chamberlain and Miranda enter the room. Still lost in thought he absent mindedly dipped his battered quill into the ink pot and returned it to his mouth. His chamberlain, having silently reached his desk, coughed deprecatingly and then tried hard not to laugh as the King jumped and involuntarily sucked in his breath. A mouthful of nasty tasting ink made him gag and spit. With a ghoulish black toothed grin he rounded on his hapless employee and exploded. ‘If you dare laugh at his majesty you will pay for it with your life. Now help me clean up.’
At this his Chamberlain sobered up and silently pushed over the king’s goblet of wine and then, fishing out a clean hanky from his pocket, proceeded to screw a corner of it round his finger ready to dip in the wine and clean the stains away from his master’s face. To Aga’s amazement a soft white hand gently took the handkerchief away and finished the process.
After swilling and gargling with a mouthful of wine to rid himself of the taste of the ink Aga hastily drew up a chair and commanded Miranda to sit down and tell him more about herself and the Avalon Strollers.
An hour later Miranda stood up to go. ‘We are in agreement then my Lord. You will get the entertainment you deserve this Christmas and I will help you fulfil your secret obsession but only if you learn to laugh with others at yourself.’
‘Oh yes, my dear, you are definitely the one to teach me and help me sate my desires. Until tomorrow then.’
Later he fairly bounced into Queen Give it ‘ere’s chamber shouting, ‘I’ve done it. I’ve found our Boxing Day entertainment: I’ve hired the Avalon Strollers. A touring theatrical company with a difference, my dear, that I think you might enjoy but I will say no more at present.’
Trying to sound nonchalant Aga paused to straighten his crown in the mirror. ‘Oh, by the way, part of the deal was for the strollers to have free board and lodgings and a room to rehearse in the castle grounds.’
With this he rushed out of the room before the Queen could ask, ‘What deal?’
* * *
Queen Give it ‘ere was bored. A whole week had gone by and she had barely seen her husband. She sighed. He was being very cagey about where he was spending his time and with whom. Although usually her maid’s job she flung open the door to her wardrobe and casually began rifling through her clothes wondering if it was worth changing for dinner as Aga was rarely there these days. Suddenly she stiffened and began re-checking. Two red dresses were missing. Rushing out into her bedroom she began checking her make up and jewellery. Good job she did. Together with the dresses a fair amount of jewellery and make up was missing. There was a thief at work. Funny, she thought that things should start to go missing the very week the Avalon Strollers had come to stay.
She tried to tackle Aga about the thefts when he came to bed: the first time she had seen him all day. Uncharacteristically for him he was dismissive of her concerns and became very cross at even the suggestion that sweet Miranda could be a thief?
‘Sweet who?’
‘Oh, no one special,’ replied Aga, airily. ‘Just the leading lady.’
The Queen, very suspicious at his nonchalance resolved to do some detective work herself.
The very next day she summonsed Merlin the Magician and explained her predicament: that there was a thief in the castle. Some of her dresses and make up were missing and that all this had happened since the Avalon Strollers had taken up residence and the King seemed smitten with the leading lady because he would hear no wrong against her.
Merlin looked hard at his queen and quietly asked what did she wish to scry: the quarters of the travelling players to see if he could see any stolen goods or to find the whereabouts of her husband, the king?
Give it ‘ere blushed but answered abruptly, ‘To find the stolen goods of course.’
Reluctantly he pulled out his scrying glass from the depths of his robe and, muttering incantations, began to wave his hand over its surface. Gazing into its depths he exclaimed, ‘Oh my stars, that can’t be right.’
‘What can’t?’
‘Er, nothing my Lady but it looks like the king is holding Miranda’s hand.’
‘Don’t believe you, give it here,’ said Give it ‘ere and snatched the glass from Merlin.
‘Not any more!’ she screeched and, snatching up the mirror, dashed it to the floor where it shattered into a thousand fragments. Rounding on Merlin she screamed that if he spoke a word of what he had seen in the mirror she would have him banished from the kingdom. Dismissing him, she shouted for her knights of the nearly round table.
Panting, Queen Give it ‘ere explained the situation to Sir Goes Berserk a Lot as they all ran towards the old Tower. ‘This is where the Avalon Strollers are quartered with MY stolen things and MY husband, King Aga.
Brandishing swords they burst through the doors to be met with an unforgettable sight. There was King Aga in all his finery or should we say all of the Queen’s missing finery. He was dressed in a red silk dress with a mop head askew on his head acting as a wig topped with a battered old straw bonnet. More astonishing still was his face. It was garishly smeared with thick layers of make up: white face powder, bright red smudged lipstick, rouged cheeks and false eyelashes. One had slipped and stuck to his cheek and lay like a drunken caterpillar and the other, even more worryingly, had, as the glue melted, twisted and partially pulled and stuck his eyelid to his eyebrow giving him a very surprised look. Two huge bobbling breasts completed his look. To cap it all he was clasping the hand of a very pretty young lady barely disguised as a youth dressed in a silk shirt, harem pants, turban and curly toed slippers.
As the knights jostled each other to get a better look Aga spun round in guilty surprise at having been caught out. This sudden movement caused the Merlin magical balloon breasts of the king, already inflating in the heat of the room, to undulate under the thin silk fabric of his dress. The knights stared mesmerised. The men glanced at each other and then back at Aga. There was a smirk, then a giggle then moans of sheer agony as they desperately tried to stifle their mirth. To laugh at the king was treason!
Sir goes Berserk a Lot was biting his sporran in an attempt to not laugh. Sir Eats a Lot shoved in a pork pie hoping to do the same but ended up choking on the crumbs. Sir Rust a Lot, shaking silently in mirth, shed most of his chain mail and Sir Pray a Lot slid to the ground making strange keening noises and trying desperately to hold back the laughter with praying hands pressed to his mouth.
Sir Gets it Wrong a Lot suddenly brightened up. ‘Oh wait a minute. That’s our king and he is dressed up as a queen so does that mean that Queen Give it ‘ere is really a king?’
A rending sound filled the silence and the queen, incensed that her husband was wearing her best dress shrieked ‘Is that you tearing my dress?
‘No, sorry, stuttered the king ‘it must have been the baked beans I had for dinner. Anyway I am wearing two of your dresses cobbled together, my dear. One wasn't big enough.’
At this everybody lost control and the room dissolved into uproarious laughter.
‘They may find you ludicrous but I am furious. screamed his wife. ‘What in the name of Merlin are you doing with this, this … thing? she stuttered pointing at Miranda.
King Aga turned to his pretty youth and apologised for his wife’s bad manners.
‘Don’t you apologise to that trollop! It’s me you should be apologising to you, you philanderer.’
‘No, no, my dear, you've got it wrong, I’m Widow Twanky.’
Screaming with fury the queen jumped up on the stage and launched herself at the king.
‘You are not a real widow but I will be when I have finished throttling you.’ Her long finger nails raked Aga’s chest bursting one of the breasts with a loud bang.
Grabbing each other in surprise they lost their balance and landed in a tangle on the floor and, seeing the funny side of it all, began to laugh themselves.
Over a glass of wine King Aga explained all. ‘You see it is all quite simple really. I wanted to put on a play for Boxing Day as part of the castle Christmas entertainments. A chance encounter with Miranda and her travelling theatre company, introduced me to Pantomime: a comical play where part of the fun is that a female plays the part of male lead and a man plays the part of the female lead. Now I must confess, I have always had a secret obsession with the theatre and wanted to be an actor. Miranda made me see that if I could learn to laugh at myself, I could play pantomime: Aladdin. ‘I meant it to be an extra Christmas present. A surprise present for my dear wife along with several new dresses of course,’ he added hastily.