Writing for Fun
July 2020
Devil's Advocate [Surprise] - Pete Norman
He never tired of the view from the office window, it was perfection personified. It stretched from horizon to horizon, almost to infinity . . . almost . . . but not quite. It was all his; it was his to control with absolute power and it made him feel good to be alive . . . well, perhaps not alive in quite the way that you or I might be familiar with. His domain was desperation, torment, hopeless submission and . . . pain . . . endless and unimaginable pain. His demons had indomitable energy and the most vivid imaginations.
It was simply perfection.
He smiled. Somebody had to do this and he celebrated the day when he had been given the privilege – a very, very, very long time ago.
Suddenly a soft buzzing sound broke into his reverie. Behind him on his enormous mahogany desk the light on the intercom button was flashing. The light was black – as black as his fury at the interruption. Someone would pay for this.
He pressed the offending button. ‘What the hell is it, Molly?’
A polite but terrified voice replied, ‘There is someone here to see you, oh Lord of Lords, – two someones in fact – but it looks to me as if they are both . . . ’
The call suddenly terminated. Somewhat puzzled he looked up towards the door. This had never happened before. Someone would most definitely pay for this! He stood behind his desk, raised himself to his full height – all 7ft 8in of him – and, puffed out his chest to made himself appear even more impressive. Someone was going to suffer a slow and agonising death. He cracked his knuckles – a sonic boom erupted, rippling like a tsunami across the land, momentarily silencing the tumult outside his window.
The office door opened.
There were two of them.
Taken completely by surprise he smiled – a slow and menacing smile – the smile of a boa constrictor the moment before it gives you a big hug.
‘Hello, Michael. And to what do I owe the pleasure.’
‘It is no pleasure, Lucifer, I can assure you.’
Lucifer looked at the other visitor. ‘Now, let me guess, this other one must be . . . Gay-briel is it? Seems like a sweet boy.’
The second angel did not reply, he merely fixed him with a contemptuous – but wary – glare.
‘Well? For what purpose do you disturb my day? At least you can tell me that before I reduce you to ashes.’
The two angels, however, appeared totally unconcerned.
Michael said, ‘It has been reported that your behaviour has become intolerable.’
Lucifer shrugged. ‘And? . . . So, what is Big G going to do about it?’
Michael spoke slowly and quietly but somewhere, deep beneath the surface, a menace lurked, ‘You are indeed as evil as those accursed viruses you inflict upon mankind.’
‘That’s rich coming from you, Michael. You know full well that there are far too many of them and, despite my very best efforts, they are becoming more numerous by the day. If you ask me, mankind is the virus, the pandemic that is sweeping across the land, destroying everything before him. I am merely performing a service for the planet by reducing the surplus population.’
‘But you have created something unstoppable. There is no protection from it; no cure; it is deadly and prolific.
Lucifer allowed himself a satisfied smile. ‘It is a good one, isn’t it? I believe it might even top 1918. That one was such fun, don’t you think? it more than doubled the death toll in the Great War . . . but I still think my personal favourite is the Black Death of 1666.’
Gabriel snapped, ‘The number of the beast!’
‘Oh, my word, the child can speak.’ He moved around the desk so that he could tower menacingly above the much smaller angel. ‘Listen, child, you simply have to accept the fact that I am bad and you are good. The perfect balance. Without my playful intervention every once in a while they would swarm like locusts across the face of the planet slaughtering each other for a crust of bread or a sip of water. You should be grateful that my occasional cull is enabling the planet to survive.’
‘You are so far beyond a beast. You are despicable.’
‘Tut, tut, that was close to anger and surely angels are not supposed to be capable of such thoughts.’
For a moment there followed a deep silence – but only for a moment.
‘You were originally intended to be useful, a foil, a means of maintaining the balance, to keep the transgressors in check . . . but you have gone too far.’
‘Well, I do like to keep Big G on his toes.’
Michael sighed. ‘You must realise, Lucifer, that you are becoming superfluous. I am here to inform you that you have been summoned.’
Lucifer shook his head. ‘You cannot be serious. You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?’
‘Actually I do not find anything remotely humorous with the situation. However, at the G1 summit the decision was made.’
Lucifer said, ‘Do you not mean G8.’
Michael smiled. ‘G8 is for the eight most powerful terrestrial leaders. Up there – he gestured with his finger. ‘There is only one.’
Lucifer’s eyes followed the finger towards the ceiling. ‘Summoned. Up there? Does he not know who I am?’
‘He knows exactly who you are . . .’
Gabriel added, ‘And what you are.’
Lucifer grinned. ‘This should be fun. I am not intimidated in the slightest. The old duffer has had his day. It is my turn now and I will tell him so.’
‘Well, actually, Lucifer, you won’t. You see, you will not be allowed to speak. As your advocate I shall speak on your behalf.’
‘And who’s going to stop me, eh? You and the brat? That should be interesting. Damn you. In fact . . .’
His mouth snapped shut and he almost choked on the words that were struggling to emerge but were totally failing.
In a cold fury he snapped his fingers and directed the thunderbolts at the two angels . . .
. . . but no thunderbolt materialised.
Lucifer stared down at his fingers in disbelief.
Michael said quietly, ‘There is no point in trying anything else, Lucifer, your powers have been withdrawn.’
* * *
The Court room was a singularity. Unimaginably huge. Out there, somewhere in the boundless depths of the universe, there might possibly be walls but if so then they would be not light years but light-millennia away. Behind the judge’s bench sat a man supremely in his prime – it seems that omnipotence affords such luxuries – however, he chose to retain the distinguished white hair and the intense blue eyes, eyes which missed absolutely nothing.
Yahweh studied the accused as he approached. He was a large man but, stripped of his powers, he was just that – a man – and not the demi-god he considered himself to be. He settled back in his chair and listened as the Clerk of the Court read out the charges: ‘Lucifer, AKA Satan, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles – and countless other aliases – you are charged that on the . . .’
The list took several hours to recount – in fact it was fortunate for all present that most of the more minor charges were not read out at all as they had been placed on the ‘taken into consideration’ list.
Yahweh watched with interest as the clerk finished with, ‘How do you plead?’
Lucifer opened his mouth and his lips formed the words ‘Not Guilty’ but not a sound emerged.
Michael leaned across and whispered, ‘I told you. I will speak for you.’
‘My client wishes to enter a Not Guilty plea your Eminence.’
Yahweh peered down at the accused. ‘Not guilty, eh? But, one might ask, did he really do each and every one of the things of which he is charged?’
Lucifer shook his head but Michael replied, ‘It appears so, your Eminence.’
Yahweh snorted. ‘Then the matter is incontrovertible, there cannot be any justification in accepting a Not Guilty plea – I find him to be guilty as charged. The court will rise while I retire to consider sentence.’
Lucifer mouthed to Michael, ‘He can’t do that, can he? It’s against the law.’
Michael smiled. ‘And who do you think makes all those laws?’
* * *
There was no ‘Take him down.’ There were no warders. There was no holding cell. Lucifer was amazed that he was simply free to roam around at will for the duration. However he soon discovered the reason for such a relaxed attitude – there was nowhere for him to go. There was nothing in every direction for as far as the eye could see – and much, much further – and, without his powers, he was as helpless as a mortal.
After what seemed like aeons of solitary and tedious wandering, Lucifer saw Michael approaching and he was somewhat relieved to be told, ‘You are to follow me to receive your sentence.’
Yahweh returned to the Judge’s bench where he reached down and pulled up a black cloth cap. He examined the cap for some moments but then, with a shrug of his shoulders he placed it back on it’s shelf.
‘I have given the most serious consideration to the nature and the number of your crimes and have deliberated carefully on the most appropriate sentence for this unique situation. In any other case I might have incarcerated you in Hades – but I am certain that that to the likes of you that would not be a punishment. I have therefore decided that you will be locked down, you will serve your sentence in perpetuity, until the end of time and, indeed, even until the day of the Last Judgement . . . the great day of expiation for sins.’
The Lord does move in mysterious ways and for some moments he paused mysteriously while he studied the expression on the accused’s face and then he threw out his hands to encompass the endless, empty void surrounding the court. ‘. . . And you will serve your sentence . . . right here.’
He banged his gavel and the ground shook with seismic force. ‘Court dismissed.’