Writing for Fun
December 2019
The Big Marrow Mystery – Lynn Gale
Colonel Cuthbert Chorley-Crewe was apoplectic with rage at the sight of his prize marrow smashed into a soggy pulp.
'I demand Justice,' he roared, his huge handlebar moustache bristled with unrestrained fury and indignation on his rapidly reddening face. He marched off to find the fete administrator.
Nora Newcome had just added the final scone to the top of her display pyramid in her Nora’s Nibbles teacake booth. A nervous mousey woman in her pristine red checked apron and hat tutted as the Colonel thundered past like a rampaging elephant. The pyramid started to wobble dangerously. Nora flung her arms around the stack and breathed out slowly as it settled back down.
'Did you see anything?' the Colonel shouted poking his large red face into hers.
Nora jumped in fright sending the scone pyramid cascading onto the muddy field. A flock of seagulls swooped down on this unexpected feast cawing loudly. The birds devoured the scones with cries of ‘mine, mine, mine,’ until there was not a crumb left.
The Colonel, oblivious to his contribution to the ruckus, carried on muttering about the undesirables in the village.
The commotion attracted the attention of other stall holders who began to gather around the biggest vegetable stall to see what the Colonel was making a fuss about.
Kelvin Kostner, self appointed fete administrator, dressed for the part in a grey suit and tie with clipboard in hand was on his way to the scene of the crime. Walking past Elsie Eccles’ Hot Pie stand, the smell of a lone freshly baked pastie sitting unattended proved to tempting and he helped himself and took a bite.
'Oi, what’s your game?' Elsie yelled.
'Perks of the job,' Kelvin mumbled pushing the last piece into his already full mouth.
'That was our Norman’s, I always let him make the first one, he loves kneading the pastry.' Kelvin looked at the boy by her side, picking his nose with the blackest finger nails he had ever seen. Norman gave him a gap toothed grin. Kelvin turned a shade of puce and spat out the remaining pastie. Shuddering he regained his composure and rushed away as Elsie shook her head.
'Out of the way, let me see.' He pushed through the crowd, his abrupt manner earning him a few raised eyebrows.
Examining what was left of the giant marrow, he cupped his chin and nodded. 'Yes I can see what happened, someone has deliberately sabotaged it.'
'Regular Sherlock Holmes we have here,' Brian Bone who run the sausage stall, quipped to the crowd, 'He’ll have this case solved in no time.' My own marrow might stand a chance this year he mused.
Kelvin ignored him. 'I’ll ask around, someone must have seen something, it was fine an hour ago.'
'What’s going on?' asked Edie a powerful woman in her black leather outfit ,nose rings and tattoo’s she looked a formidable sight, followed by her wife Belle a smaller version of Edie, their range of dog collars always went down well at these events especially the fur lined studded ones! The vicar from the neighbouring village brought three last year and had never owned a dog.
'It’s the Colonel, he’s having a meltdown, someone has mashed his marrow man.' Jeremiah Jerome, James known as JJ, flicked back his dread-locked hair complete with threaded beads catching Kelvin full in the face.
'Sorry man,' JJ apologised, 'I didn’t see you there.'
Kelvin was furious. 'You could have taken my eye out with those things, they are dangerous.'A line of red welts began to rise across his cheek.
JJ made his escape hurrying over to his Green Earth booth where Dee his partner was displaying her home made goods and clothes. Her jam jar candles were known for the strange aroma they emitted.
Maybe she should have washed the jars out first!
Three of Dee’s children had found an old customised wheelbarrow and with five year old Scorpio on board, seven year old twins Caspar and Cassiopeia began pushing it making ‘vroom vroom’ sounds, forcing unwary people to jump aside.
Kelvin meanwhile decided the sooner he found the culprit, the sooner he could get back to his cosy cottage and have a nice cup of tea. He rubbed the side of his face which still smarted from the bead whipping.
Suddenly the wheelbarrow veered into view heading straight for him. Kelvin’s eyes widened in horror, as he waited for the inevitable collision. The Colonel, choosing that exact moment to confront Kelvin stepped in front of him. The approaching wheelbarrow minus Scorpio who had leapt out, struck the back of the Colonel’s legs, upending him. He fell backwards into the wheelbarrow, the momentum scooping up Kelvin who landed on top of the Colonel.
Careering down the hill it finally rolled to a stop right in the middle of the Manderlay Morris men’s dancing display.
The Morris men danced around them, sticks whirling and bells ringing, they had another fete booked later, and were on a tight schedule.
Kelvin laying face down on the Colonel’s ample stomach tried to disentangle himself, but his tie had caught on the Colonel’s belt. 'A little help here please,' he begged.
'Get a room,' jeered Brian, causing laughter amongst the growing crowd.
A pair of scissors released Kelvin from further embarrassment.
But the Colonel was stuck fast. Brian, Kelvin, Two Morris men, and the children’s entertainer finally prised him out. His trousers catching on a nail revealed a very large backside to the crowd who gasped at such a sight then laughed even louder.
The Colonel looked like he would explode and screamed obscenities at everyone.
Kelvin stood behind him shielding his modesty as best as he could.
Dee came over with one of her Kaftan’s, a bright orange and pink creation and with a bit of effort they fitted it over the Colonel’s considerable frame, he looked ridiculous but at least decent.
Kelvin led him home with the Colonel berating him all the way through the cheering crowd. <
JJ took out his ukulele and began to play, Caspar and Cassiopeia who had made themselves scarce for a while, made up a song about the incident.
'Grumpy old Colonel stuck in a wheelbarrow
Wouldn’t have happened if he was more narrow
Out he came, his ripped trousers a mess
Now he’s going home in our mum’s dress.'
Everyone joined in and danced around the field.
Nora gave Brian a shy smile, as she wiped the last bits of marrow off of her rolling pin.
It was the first time her secret lover had won the biggest marrow competition.