Writing for Fun
July 2019
Cashflow - Jan Norman
‘Ah, just the chap I want to see.’ Hurrying up to Sir Goes Berserk a Lot and putting a friendly arm about his shoulders, King Aga whispered conspiratorially, ‘Need you and some of our loyal knights of the Nearly Round Table to help us out of a spot of bother. It’s about the Royal cash flow. As fast as money flows into the castle from things like taxes Queen Give it Here spends it and all the money flows back out into the merchant’s fat pockets again. To put it bluntly, the King’s coffers are empty. I was thinking about holding another Summer Fayre like we did last year to raise money. What do you think?’
Berserk’s heart sank but he replied, gamely, ‘Only your Majesty could come up with such a solution. I would be honoured to organise the event for your Majesty if you should so wish it.’
‘Would you really my old friend? I did not want to ask but as you have volunteered then I thank you.’
Sir Goes Berserk a Lot gave a wry smile. Would king Aga have expected anything less of him? Thinking hard he announced. ‘Firstly I shall see to it that, like last year, the Town Crier marches through the town proclaiming when the Fayre is to be held here in Cam a Lot Castle. He is to say as well that every citizen is welcome and those who wish to set up a stall and sell their wares can do so as long as they pay a small fee to the King for the privilege. I also guess my lord that you want all the knights of the Nearly Round Table to put their heads together and come up with some good money making ideas and to turn these ideas into events for the people to enjoy, for a modest sum of money of course.’
Aga beamed. ‘You’ve got it in one my old friend.’
Two months later, as dawn broke on the day of the Fayre, feverish activity was to be seen at the castle. Journeymen and apprentices struggled to erect stalls ready for their masters’ cartloads of goods now beginning to arrive and the knights were busy setting up their various enterprises.
The castle drawbridge became a bottleneck as carts were stopped by the castle steward and the king’s fee demanded.
Several fights broke out and the castle guards arrested two men for calling the King ‘a money grabbing old clutch fist’ and trying to pass counterfeit coins as their fee. They were promptly arrested and marched to the stocks set up near the castle keep. Kept there for the duration of the Fayre they could be pelted with rotten fruit and vegetables by the public; for money of course; one groat for a basket of putrid food. Soldiers patrolling the grounds would also bring any miscreants, whether pick pockets or troublemakers, to join these two in the stocks thus ensuring law and order and more money for King Aga’s coffers.
At last all was ready and the townspeople and villagers from far and wide were allowed to enter the castle grounds.
Suddenly two shadows passed overhead and people could be heard ‘Oohing and Aahing’ as two magnificent red and gold dragons, Brimstone and Scorcher respectively, flew overhead, landing in an enclosure within yards of Sir Rust a Lot. He was busily putting the finishing touches to soft leather harnesses holding seats ready to be fitted to their backs. A sign on the gate announced ‘Dragon flights, only two groats. People were being knocked over in the rush to be first. All went well until, during one flight, Scorcher sneezed in mid air and issued a gout of flame which singed the eyebrows of one in the crowd below and toasted the sandwich of another. Brimstone, on the other hand was fine until he showed off and whilst doing a loop de loop lost two passengers.
The trebuchet was set up to give the kids a ride they would never forget by hurling them into the moat. Most enjoyed the experience except for young Thomas who, when Sir Gets it Wrong a Lot over wound the release mechanism, overshot the moat and was left hanging by the seat of his pants from a branch in the big oak tree. Soldiers had to rescue him. His Mum was not happy.
Granny Fruitloops decided to make and sell her special magic ingredient brownies renowned at last year’s Fayre for making people so happy. The stampede to get to her stall and buy some before she ran out caused people to be trampled on. Three folk had to be dug out of the mud and Sir Gets it Wrong a Lot, when sent to help with the rescue, got it wrong and buried five more villagers up to neck in mud because he thought it was a game.
Sir Goes Berserk a Lot demonstrated sword fighting and throwing his axe, Dragon Slayer at a target. Kids were allowed to try their hand for a goat a go. He thought he was lucky to end the day with only a dented helmet and a black eye.
Sir Eat a Lot and Sir Drink a Lot put their heads together and came up with what they thought was an ingenious way to make money. Sir Eat a Lot sold homemade salted crisps with lots of salt which made everyone really thirsty. Sir Drink a Lot would then get lots of customers for his beer and homemade, flat lemonade. When the youngsters complained they wanted fizzy drinks he had a brainwave and added Epsom salts. True it made the lemonade fizzy but it also gave the kids diarrhoea.
Sir Pray a Lot was made to run bobbing for apples again but not allowed to use the ducking stool at the moat’s edge again because they lost so many villagers last year. His new idea was to build a tall wooden tower. Once customers had climbed to the top soldiers tied bungee cords to their feet and then hurled them off the tower. The customers hit the moat head first and with every bounce they tried to grab apples as they plunged in and out of the water. A soldier with a long pole with a fish hook at the end pulled them out when at last the cord lost its bounce and their head went under the water for the last time and did not reappear. No apples were caught but one Fayre goer managed to catch a fish and poor Johnny got an eel stuck up his nose and needed first aid.
Sir Cries a Lot ran the cute baby dragon race where folk paid a groat to bet on which baby would win. He cried buckets when little Leaky Linda fell over and began sobbing and also when Bashful Bennie hiccupped, belched fire and burnt all the burgers, buns and all, on the nearby stall. He only stopped crying at the end of the race when he declared all the baby dragons were winners and gave them all a lollipop each.
Sir Picks His Nose a Lot’s face painting for kids went down a storm. Choices were plague victim face, battle wounds plus fake axe in skull or scary witches face complete with wart on nose and blacked out teeth. Only Imelda’s Mum complained on finding a couple of stray bogies in her child’s makeup. Guess where they came from.
Even the First Aid tent made money by charging for bandages splints and crutches.
Sir Cost a Lot, of the Cost a Lot chain of taverns fame, set up a marquee serving Cost a Lot coffee, beer and filled jacket potatoes. Trouble was they were so expensive that only the nobility could afford them but even so he made a profit.
Taking everything into account the day was a huge success except for Queen Give it Here who, thinking she was helping, bought lots of jewels, clothes and furniture and depleted the profits. King Aga was not amused but could not be cross with his Queen for long when he found out that two of the purchases were for him; a handsome carved desk and a fur lined cloak to keep him warm whilst hunting.