Writing for Fun
April 2019
Chain Of Events - Jeff Kebbell
‘Your Uncle Simon left a very curious will.’ said the solicitor. He looked like someone from a Dickens story, lean, cadaverous and without the sense of humour that the years might have given him. He continued, ‘The will is quite authentic written before his wife died and with her complete agreement and presence in my office.’
My wife and her four brothers and sisters and their spouses sat or stood in his luxurious office that smelt of money. The relatives were all successful in business, except myself, an out-of-work engineer. Before getting to the point, he droned on and on and the family sat there or stood, like myself and waited for him to get to the point - the money - a million or more.
‘To put it shortly,’ - relief! - ‘Uncle Albert is leaving his cat - ahem - Tiddles with Jeff and Caroline and if he is alive and well in a year’s time they will inherit everything. If, however - ahem - Tiddles should have died from anything other than natural causes - the money is to be shared equally among the others of you here present.’ The solicitor tipped the cat box on its end and a cat tumbled out and promptly scratched the solicitor’s hand. He half raised his hand but smiled at the cat instead; Tiddles’ life had just taken a turn for the worst and Caroline’s relatives were faced with terminating Tiddles and laying their hands on some real money.
As the cheap English sherry was brought out I made our excuses and with Caroline and Tiddles in his box, left to drive home but suddenly, just before our house, I changed direction and went to Jenny’s. Jenny was a kind lady who specialised in finding homes for stray and unwanted cats. She had several of her own and when we called I explained the problem: Could she find half a dozen cats like Tiddles and look after him for a year. I would keep the Tiddles look-a-likes and pay for Tiddles’ keep and make a suitable donation to her society at the end of a year. She agreed. Jenny had a couple of cats with similar markings to Tiddles and with a phone call she found five more. Eventually Caroline and I arrived home with seven look-a-like Tiddles and suitable trays and materials and cat food to support them. The cats settled in quite quickly and with a couple of cameras mounted on the house wall, we awaited the chain of events that would follow.
It wasn’t long before the assassination attempts began. The cameras showed on the screen in our spare room, cousin Cyril’s head appearing over the fence followed by a gun of sorts which he lined up on Tiddles 5 fishing in the pond. Cats are poor fisherman and the likelihood of him getting one of the carp was slight. Jenny and I were aware that there might be casualties among the various Tiddles but a film of the assassin would be sent to the local constabulary and the court case would deter the others. Just then Tiddles 2 and 7 wandered into the scene to see how 5 was getting on with his fishing and if there was a share of the catch for them and Tiddles 6. He jumped off the window sill where he had been sunbathing to see what was going on. The look of bafflement on Cyril’s face put us in stitches; to add to his puzzlement Tiddles 1, who had been exploring in the neighbour’s garden jumped onto the fence and rubbed himself up against Cyril’s face. With a snarl that could be heard on the speaker, Cyril’s head and gun disappeared from view.
The family asked if they could come round and see Tiddles but Caroline refused on the grounds that it might upset him and various offers for tea were turned down. There was no point in leaving the house empty with Murder Inc. on the prowl.
The second attempt was an advert in the local paper the ‘Southend Echo’. A page spread in the advert section read ‘Cat missing - children desperate - £1,000 reward’. George’s phone number was there and we kept the cat indoors for the next month or so until, inundated with cats of all shapes, sizes and colours, George gave up and he admitted defeat saying that the cat had returned. Life went back to normal and people and their cats carried on as they had earlier.
For us it was business as usual. The relative would make a more serious attempt next time and we had to be prepared. A little while ago a club I belonged to had a speaker who dealt in sound effects for films. I contacted him and explained the problem. He came round one day and with his team set up a system of alarms and extras which he would not reveal but said, ‘Anyone who gets the benefit of this will leave you alone - I promise.’
About a month after the reward money advert had been withdrawn I was awakened in the early hours of the morning by glass breaking. Normally I sleep well and solidly but my nerves had been stretched almost to breaking point. Was whoever was breaking in come to kill us to get the money? Then the sound effects came in with the noise of two or three police cars racing up the road and the clonking of hob nailed boots and gunfire was heard outside. Caroline and I went to the window to see three burly toughs with sacks in one hand and clubs in the other running down the road, jumping in a van and driving off rapidly. Behind them shouting, ‘Wait for me!’ was Henry, a rather wimpy brother-in-law of Caroline’s who talked a good fight but had about as much courage as you could pack into a mouse’s rucksack.
That really was the end of Murder Inc. Sometime during the year Tiddles had died of natural causes which was confirmed by the solicitor’s vet.
We received a very large sum of money and so far have lived happy ever after. Caroline insisted on giving her relatives several thousand pounds although not with my blessing and Jenny’s charity was able to function for years with many donations.
The cats - oh well. We named them One to Seven and they are well and happy, although Tiddles 5 still hasn’t caught any fish in the ponds.