Writing for Fun
March 2019
It's A Crime - Jan Norman
The next day everyone was up at dawn; the weather cold and misty. Today was the day that the Knights of the Nearly Round Table escorted the Queen’s Christmas gift, the beautiful but capricious horse Babycham and Sir Glance a Lot on the long journey back to King Aga’s castle in Cam a Lot.
In the stables, Babycham watched Bony hobble round his stall, clearly still in great pain. To her surprise she felt remorse at having been so mean as to kick out just because Boney banged into her whilst walking the day before. Impulsively she stretched her head over the stall partition and nuzzled his neck, whickering her apologies. Boney, stunned at how nice she was being, was now really in love and he vowed to do all in his power to befriend and protect her.
The night before, Walter had had a brainwave. He suggested to his Dad, that as leader of the expedition, he would be expected to deliver Babycham in impeccable condition so why take chances. Why not float her back like Boney? Sir Goes Berserk a Lot thought it such a splendid idea that he sent his squire immediately to Merlin’s Magic Emporium for four more balloons to make a similar sling for Babycham. Surely the King would be very pleased with them for taking such great care of Queen Give It Here’s gift.
Young Walter was charged with fixing the slings he had fashioned yesterday, one under Sir Rust a Lot’s horse, Boney Knock Knee’s tummy and fixing the magic balloons by their strings to the four corners to lift him off the ground so that he could be towed home and one exactly the same for Babycham.
At last all was ready, both Babycham and Boney were floated out from the stables.
Sir Glance a Lot and Sir Rust a Lot, mounted on tavern horses, held the respective tethers of Babycham and Boney. The latter was so infatuated he felt he could float even without the balloons but the former, Babycham was beginning to feel a bit ridiculous dangling from a piece of string and extremely bad tempered and as Boney kept bumping into her with a silly grin on his face she wondered how long it would be before she kicked him again.
Walter took his seat on top of the presents and food on the sleigh and, taking out his magic Merlin ‘Never Miss’ catapult, rummaged around to see what he could use as ammunition to let loose with his toy and keep himself amused on the long journey home.
Oh good. He had found lots of bags of nuts, still in their shells. They would make excellent ammunition. Surely his Dad would not mind him using a few.
Meanwhile hidden in the forest, a quarter of a mile ahead, bad man Jake the Take and his band of thieves and cut throats, made brave by gulping stolen brandy, had heard tell of a beautiful white horse coming this way, worth a lot of money no doubt. Perhaps they could persuade the soldiers to part with her. Mounting their horses they hid in a thicket near the road and waited.
As Sir Goes Berserk a Lot and his party approached they rushed out brandishing swords and cudgels, yelling blood curdling screams and looking for the famed white horse.
The vision through the mist of a shimmering pale horse floating in midair sent most of the bandits back into the forest screaming ‘Unicorns! We’re cursed’. Jake, made of sterner stuff, yelled, ‘Rubbish!’ and charged with the four of his gang who were not superstitious. He grabbed Babycham’s reigns and tugged.
Babycham screamed and beat the air with her hooves, spooking Sir Glance a Lot’s steed who in turn reared unseating the knight into thick snow. Confusion reigned. Boney from his higher vantage point, seeing Babycham being abducted, strained and paddled futilely in the air to try and reach her. Walter, perched on top of the sleigh, saw the situation and realised that Boney was the only one near enough to Babycham to save her. If the bandit managed to pull her as far as the forest they might lose sight of her. Walter reacted swiftly. Picking up an Edam cheese from the sleigh he put it in his catapult and fired. The cheese hit Boney right under his tail and with an ‘Oof’ he was jet propelled forwards until he could grab Babycham’s bridle in his teeth and pull. The next cheese hit Boney on the side of his bottom and with another ‘Oof’ spun him around in the air dragging Babycham back towards the safety of her escort.
Jake, pulling Babycham, let go in surprise and tried to attack Boney with a cudgel but Babycham bit him. Yelling he lets go and headed for the cover of the thicket. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, seeing this, let loose with his famous axe ‘Dragon Slayer and pinned the luckless outlaw to a tree by his trousers.
Sir Rust a Lot charged another ruffian and by sheer chance showered him with shards of armour that had just rusted through. Putting up an arm to stop bits going into his eyes the ruffian ran straight into Babycham who bit him as well, a look of unholy glee in her eyes. Howling in pain he backed away right into Sir Cost a Lot who held him at sword point until he managed to tie him up.
Sir Gets it Wrong a Lot, wandering over to the trees thought it seemed a queer time to practise a scene from MacBeth and picked up a barrel of brandy. Standing up he swung round so quickly he knocked out Jake the Take who, seeing things were not going to plan, was going capture him and hold him to ransom instead.
Sir Goes Berserk a Lot grabbed another thief by the hair, held him aloft and shook him until his teeth rattled and he surrendered.
Soon all the thieves were tied up and made to walk behind the sleigh, after donating all their ill gotten spoils to the king.
Boney, who had huge bruises on his bottom and flank and Babycham who had managed to get a black eye in all the brouhaha and Walter, with his quick thinking, were toasted and feted as heroes by the others and told how pleased the king was going be when he heard their tale.
The rest of the journey passed unremarkably and soon all were safe in Cam a Lot.
King Aga had seen the knights wending their way up the hill to the castle and, grabbing a bewildered Queen Give It Here, ran down to the courtyard with her, hastily tying a scarf round her eyes at the last minute, to act as a blindfold before going outside.
The weary party clattered to a halt in front of the royal pair just as King Aga whipped the scarf from the Queen’s eyes proclaiming grandly, ‘Your Christmas present, my dear.’
The first thing that Queen Give It Here saw was the handsome smiling face of Sir Glance a Lot. Her mouth dropped open in admiration and she involuntarily made to move towards him.
‘No, No, not him . . . her.’ cried King Aga testily, noting that the admiration was mutual as Sir Glance a Lot was looking equally spellbound by the Queen’s charms. Grabbing her by her shoulders he propelled her over to Babycham, who, apart from her black eye looked a picture of equine beauty.
The Queen clapped her hands with joy and made a great fuss of her and then seeing the king’s thunderous expression made a great fuss of him thus restoring matrimonial harmony.
When King Aga heard the tale of their exploits – and especially the parts Walter, Boney and Babycham had played – he was amazed and delighted. So much so he declared he would throw the biggest party ever on Xmas Eve in honour of Walter. Everyone was invited.
At long last Christmas Eve arrived and the party began. The tables groaned with food and drink and everyone ate until they could eat no more.
King Aga banged his tankard on the table and bellowed for quiet. Gesturing to his servants, the doors to the great hall were opened and Babycham and Boney Knock Knees were led in. Everyone looked puzzled and looked again to their king. On cue, King Aga took Walter by the hand and drew the young lad into the centre of the room. Another servant laid a cushion on the floor and handed the king his sword. Gesturing Walter to kneel on the cushion, King Aga laid his sword on both shoulders in turn and then pronounced him a knight of the realm. He then presented him with his very own sword. Walter was speechless.
‘Now Walter, what was is it you said about your training to be a squire, to your very own king on the battlements a few weeks ago? Come don’t be shy. You are a knight of the realm now. You must always show courage.’
Walter cleared his throat and with fiery red cheeks of embarrassment said, ‘I’se thinks whats I ses was ‘It’s right fine Sire but what I’ze really loikes is ’arses.’
King Aga beamed and said, ‘Exactly,’ gesturing at the same time for the groom to bring the horses before him. ‘For courage and bravery beyond the call of duty, you, Boney Knock Knees and you, Babycham are each being given the Aga Cross, the highest award any citizen of Cam a Lot can receive from their king,’ and so saying hung a medal around each of their necks. Everyone clapped and cheered.
King Aga held up a hand for silence and turning once again to Walter said, ‘I think the Queen has something for you as well.’
Queen Give It Here handed Walter a parchment scroll and graciously thanked him for saving the life of her beautiful Babycham. ‘This is your warrant to run a special stable with Babycham and Boney Knock Knees as your first charges, but stroking Babycham’s muzzle added in a whisper just for Walter’s ears only, ‘Pretty soon there will be one more, a foal that will belong to you alone. Babycham and Boney are going to be proud parents.’
Overcome, all Walter could say was ‘Cor, thanks yous all so much your splendid majesties. I’sl do you proud.’