Writing for Fun
September 2017
Letting Go - Sue Barker
This was to be the very last time; she'd promised Joe she wouldn't do it again. Kate knew he'd be disappointed in her, and he would withdraw from her as was usual when he was hurt, a chill would surround him and she would be emotionally shut out. She knew she wouldn't tell him; she didn't like keeping secrets but she'd sworn last time that it would be the very last time. She broke her word. But he didn't understand, no-one understood – in fact Kate didn't understand – not really, she just went by instinct. She couldn't come again after today and she didn't know how she'd break the news to Billy, she'd leave that until she had to face it.
She'd endured a three hour journey to get here and finally she'd arrived. It was bleak but then even on the sunniest days it was bleak. That was the nature of the visit. The metal door swung shut behind her and her heart stopped, just for a second but it felt longer. She went inside and looked around, a fleeting moment of fear hit her stomach and she almost gagged. Was he there? She was risking everything to see him, please, please be here, she muttered to herself. Then to her left in the far corner just sitting there was Bill, he looked the same; he never altered in her eyes; she never saw the man he'd become. The brooding, agitated, twitching man before her was alien to her; she just saw the boy he'd always been to her, her gorgeous boy, with freckles and a lopsided grin. Not this angry, tattooed man, who blamed everyone but himself for his plight.
It all started four years ago, until then Billy, as he'd been known, was 19 with the whole world at his feet. He was out of the house more than he was inside and Kate didn't really know what he was doing most of the time but she didn't worry, she just went on with the daily life, head firmly buried in the sand. Joe wasn't so trusting, he kept asking her how Billy was paying for all the presents he kept giving Kate, when he didn't seem to have a job. Kate reassured him that Billy was helping a friend out and getting paid cash in hand. If Joe ever asked Billy about his work, Billy always sidestepped the conversation and made himself scarce.
Two years ago on a very ordinary Wednesday Kate and Joe had the worst night of their life, and probably worse than anyone else could imagine. Around 8 o'clock Billy ran in slamming the door, babbling incoherently about, police, hiding in the hall cupboard and telling them not to open the door. Then there was banging on the door and armed police burst in, it was pandemonium, how no-one was shot was still a mystery. For Kate that night was like watching a film but in slow motion. Joe slumped to the floor and had to be rushed to hospital, he'd had a heart attack and was kept in hospital for three weeks.
In those weeks Kate learned that she didn't know her son at all, how he'd slipped into the world of drug dealing and suspected of murder, she did not know. Deep down Kate was in denial, she thought that someone else would be found for the assassination of the man found in the local park. It couldn't be Billy, he wasn't like that. When the trial began, Kate and Joe sat hand in hand, like zombies watching the proceedings. Billy's friends appeared to be the lowest form of life according to the police. Why hadn't Kate and Joe ever met any of his friends, a seed of doubt entered Joe's mind. Kate resolutely refused to believe it. Billy killing someone over a drugs deal gone wrong was preposterous. By the end of the trial Billy had been found guilty and sentenced to 18 years in prison.
That was the day Kate's life ended, oh yes she breathed and moved and existed but in her mind her life was finished. To cope, Joe made the decision that he would have no more contact with Billy, he was disgusted with him, saying no son of his could be a criminal, so he shut down, emotionally. He instructed Kate that for both their sakes they would pretend that Billy died or had never existed. He was never to be mentioned again and anything relating to Billy would be destroyed. He was like a man possessed, leaving carnage in his wake and Kate couldn't stop him. It took her hours to clear up and the only possession she found was a school photo of Billy when he was 6 or 7 and she treasured this, it was more precious than even her wedding ring, her only keepsake of a son she loved more than life itself.
So here she was visiting Bill, her heart was breaking as she wouldn't be coming again. She tried to absorb the image of Billy onto her brain, how could she leave him here in this hell hole? But how could she not. It had come to a head six months ago. Joe had sold the house, they'd lived through the death threats and the excrement smeared on the door more than once but Joe had suffered another heart attack and said they had to move. They were moving to Spain, Joe thought the heat and being unknown there would be the best for them both; there was nothing to keep them in England, not anymore.
Part of Kate agreed with him, life had been intolerable but leaving Billy? What sort of mother was she? Bill looked up as she approached, the lopsided smile of her child had been replaced by the sneer of the man. He was never pleased to see her, his anger at being caught was lessened by blaming his mother for his life now. If only she'd looked after him better, given him less freedom, not let the police in, it was all her stupid fault. He'd begged her for Christ sake to not open the door. In fact she was to blame because she never asked him where the money was coming from, what was she, a moron? How did she think the new bathroom suite had been paid for? The tirade started as usual and for an hour she let him rant at her and the unfairness of his life. When the buzzer went she slowly got to her feet and said, 'Goodbye Billy, I love you.' She walked away from the echoing shout of her son telling her how much he hated her. She never told him she wouldn't be back, she couldn't, she was crying too much and her voice wouldn't work.