Writing for Fun
September 2017
Letting Go - Gerry Miller
‘Pops’ as Barry was known had understood that without his beloved Linda his life would be empty and meaningless, and so it was. It never really meant anything when friends told him how lucky he was to have such a good family around him. His soul mate had vanished deep within her and the pain of that washed over everything. The farm had become too dangerous for Linda as her dementia progressed and at last at a family conference he and the children had reconciled themselves to the fact that Linda needed full time care and supervision, Barry was broken, how could anyone really understand.
Barry and Linda had married during the war and they had come back to the farm where he had grown up. Linda took to it like a duck to water and they thrived in the countryside. The children did not take to it in the same way and Barry knew that on his own death the farm would be sold and its history lost. Of course they kids tried to make it easier for him, but all he could see and feel was interference and he became curmudgeonly. He made it clear to them to stay out of his affairs.
And as they did he appeared more carefree and relaxed and the kids commented on how calm and serene he at last appeared. He visited Linda frequently and only then on the drive home could his torment be seen. His grief was a flood inside and yet his outside presentation was one of calmness and contentment. As he threw himself into the tasks he had allotted himself his courage held him fast. The kids had expected ‘pops to be lost and miserable’ as Susie told one of her brothers. Yet he was now more active and energetic than he had been for a long time. She had seen one of his lists, others he kept in his pockets, they included clearing out the loft and making many trips to the charity shops.
Barry met with his solicitors and the sale of the farm would be completed within ten days, his countdown had started. Boxes were placed in each of the children’s bedrooms all carefully packed with toys and photos. Mind you getting these relics from the loft was difficult at times. Barry stumbled more than once but thankfully remained unharmed. Each evening returning from the Home he stood and viewed the farm from all angles and his heart was full. He stared at the barn watching the evening sun shine into the barn, smiling with the remembrances of the sweet smell of the cattle walking in to be milked.
The children and grandchildren were right ‘Pops’ had become a real live wire his determination and focus was obvious to all. They were surprised to receive an invitation to the care home for their parent’s platinum wedding anniversary as their mother would have no understanding or memory of what was happening. But this special day meant more than the world to Barry and so it went ahead. After the tea Barry drove back to the farm singing some old songs the tears as usual coursing down his face. Tomorrow was day ten and he had achieved what he had set out to do, letting go of his life had not been as hard as he had thought it would be. Left by the fireside was the oldest chair in the property, his grandmother nursed his mother on it, Linda had nursed the kids on it and no one knew what life it had seen before that.
He carried it out into the barn and set it very precisely in the middle of the floor. The barn smelt wonderful all the smells of his life from childhood to this very day mingled in the air. Barry felt that his heart was full and standing on the chair reached up towards the rafters; he smiled to himself proud at his ability to complete his very last task and turning faced the setting sun.
The old chair tumbled to the ground, the final rays of sun shone on the smiling face of the gentle man swinging from the rope in the barn. It had been so quick and painless, if you had been witness to the incident all you would have heard would have been the fall of the chair and possibly the crack of his neck as the bones broke. Barry had quietly let go of the loves of his life and his grief was over.