Southend U3A

The witch, Granny Amelia Fruitloops had been causing trouble in her home town of Not a Lot. Dissatisfied with life and being very lonely she began to see King Aga as the focus for her anger. To her way of thinking it was he who had sent her to this godforsaken, dead end town to dispense good spells and medicine to the townsfolk. This she had done and the truth of it was she had enjoyed doing it but now as she was getting on a bit she began to be afraid that the king would replace her with a younger, Merlin trained, witch and she would die alone and unwanted. Feeling sorry for herself and angry at the same time she hit the bottle and began drinking far too much silly juice. She began running amok through the streets of the town casting silly spells and causing chaos. The bewildered townsfolk begged the King to do something.

The King did something.

He sent a courier with a message stating, in no uncertain terms, that she was to stop all this silliness or he would banish her.

A week later King Aga was holding court in his castle in Cam a Lot, capitol of his kingdom, Ave a Lot when it was announced that young Gary, the courier, had just returned from visiting the witch.

‘Send him in, send the boy in,’ cried Aga, eager to have this mess settled.

A strangled cry made every head turn to the doors where wide eyed Gary seemed to be fighting an invisible hand that was inexorably propelling him towards the King. He jerked and dug his heels into the luxurious carpet in a vain attempt to stop his progress but succeeded only in rucking up a huge mountain of it before him. All the time he could be heard muttering, ‘Don’t make me say it Granny, please don’t make me say it.’

At last he came to an abrupt halt before the King.

Aga, feeling sorry for the lad, came close. Pushing down a great fold of carpet he cupped young Gary’s chin in his hands and, peering earnestly into the youth’s eyes, said in his cajoling best, ‘Come now my boy, what is so bad that you cannot tell your King. What did Granny say? I promise I will not be cross with you.’

Gary, now rigid with fear but still under the spell, took a deep breath, shut his eyes, opened his mouth, stuck his tongue out and blew the biggest raspberry anyone had ever heard. It seemed to last forever. A deathly hush ensued broken by a nervous titter from Gary followed by an angry roar from the King.

Everyone scattered.

The aftermath was that, when he had calmed down, King Aga called a meeting of the knights of the nearly round table to discuss how to deal with Amelia.

All were present except for Sir Moan a Lot who was still in the dungeons from the time of the last Round Table meeting when he complained about not being paid enough by the king for his services and Sir Boast a Lot who was not feeling well. His Mum had sent in a sick note.

Sir Rust a Lot was fidgeting, trying to pry loose a few links of his chain mail that had nearly rusted through. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot threw his axe, the ‘Dragon Slayer’, at a fly on the wall to win a bet, until the king, irritated beyond measure, confiscated it and said he could only have it back if he volunteered to help with his current problem.

The king glared at the remaining knights. ‘I trust no one else is going to displeasure their king with unknightly behaviour? Good, then let me tell you about witch Amelia and her tantrums and how I am going to deal with her.

‘I feel I have become too lax with my subjects and I mean to put my foot down. Granny Amelia has gone too far in her disrespect. I mean to send six of you to bring her back to me. I will then banish her from my kingdom.’

Sir Rust a Lot looked distressed. ‘Oh, poor Granny Fruitloops. I’m sure she meant no disrespect. It must have been the silly juice talking.’

‘Well you will soon find out as you will be in charge of this little expedition Sir Rust a Lot. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, Sir Cry a Lot, Sir Fall over a Lot, Sir Pray a Lot and Sir Gets It wrong a lot will accompany you.’

Sir Cost a Lot closed his eyes and sighed in relief at not being picked as he had a good book he wanted to read but jerked upright when he heard the King addressing him and scowled when Aga continued, ‘Sir Cost a Lost I know you must be disappointed not to be going but you can still serve your king by funding the journey. You will provide food and accommodation for these knights in your string of Cost a Lot Taverns dotted along the M25.

Sir Get it Wrong a Lot looked puzzled, ‘The M25, your majesty?’

‘Yes, yes. You must know where Sir Cost a Lots expensive taverns are surely? On Merlin’s twenty fifth magic highway of my kingdom. Surely everyone has heard of Merlin’s work?’

Two days later the six knights were on the M25. All very downcast at the thought of having to make Granny a prisoner and haul her before the king like a criminal. All that is except Sir Goes Berserk a Lot who, with flashing eyes and red hair flying in the wind, exclaimed loudly, ‘Women, bah! They are a real pain when they have their head. They need firm handling. Leave her to me. I’ll soon have her subdued and in handcuffs. I’ll see she gets her just desserts from the King.’

Not wishing to argue with him in front of the others Sir Rust a Lot said nothing but bent his head in deep thought as to how he would extract Granny from this mess and save her from Sir Goes Berserk a Lot’s harsh treatment and the king’s banishment.

Sir Cry a Lot did just as his name suggested and cried buckets of tears. Soon he was drenched and so was his long suffering horse, Slosh a long. The M25 became a quagmire and eventually every knight’s armour was rusting in the damp air and Sir Rust a Lot had to send him to bring up the rear before they all seized up.

Eventually, through the mist, the witch’s cottage came in sight. There was Amelia at the gate waiting to repel all boarders, standing tall, face flushed, bosom heaving and eyes flashing. Wand at the ready she challenged the warriors.

‘I know why you are here but be warned I’ll not come easily. I will fight you all – to the death if necessary – rather than bow down in front of King Aga.’

Sir Rust a Lot shot a glance at Sir Goes Berserk a Lot worried he would over react at her words. What he saw made his jaw drop.

Sir Goes Berserk a Lot had a very silly grin on his face and his axe ‘Dragon Slayer’, instead of whirring above his head, was being held limply at his side, eventually sliding from his nerveless grip to fall onto the ground with a plop.

‘Aw, you poor sweet lass. I’ll would nae hurt such a bonny wee girl. Here, let me take you away from all this.’ So saying he walked forward, with arms outstretched and, dodging the silly spells that she was raining down upon the group, crooned softly, ‘Nay lass that’s not the way. Come, take my hands. There that’s better; let us sit on yonder seat and speak awhile.’

The rest of the knights’ jaws dropped even further than Sir Rust a Lot’s when they saw the same lovelorn look reflected in Granny’s eyes as she dropped her wand and clasped his big hairy hands. She was in love too.

This was when Sir Pray a Lot realised his hands were glued together in prayer and cried out in distress. Sir Fall over a Lot rushed forwards to help and tripped over a giant worm just emerging from the ground.

Realising that the crisis was over Sir Rust a Lot sprinkled all the men and horses with an anti spell lotion given to him by Merlin. Carrot noses and real cauliflower ears vanished, Jelly armour and droopy swords were restored and Droopy Knock Knees, Sir Rust a Lot’s horse was miraculously returned after a five mile sprint when his tail had been turned into a propeller.

Well, love, the most powerful spell of all did not wear off Sir Goes Berserk a Lot and witch Amelia Fruitloops. On their return to Cam a Lot Amelia threw herself at the King’s feet begging forgiveness. Sir Goes Berserk a Lot scooped her up and stood her on her feet and softly chided her saying she would never again have to throw herself at any man’s feet but his ever again. He would love and protect her forever. He then gave a long and moving speech pleading for Amelia to be saved banishment and asking for the King’s permission to marry her.

The rest you can guess.

In best fairy tale tradition they all lived happily ever after.