Writing for Fun
March 2017
More Than My Job's Worth - Bob Wendelkin
Still recovering from his recent operation where he passed over in the operating theatre and the surgeon was able to restart his heart and he is now well on the road to recovery. He still can’t be sure if what happened to him while he was dead really happened or was all just a part of his imag-ination.
He sat in his chair watching the TV considering how the standards of the programmes had deterio-rated over the years. He was so pleased that he was fast approaching that age where he no longer had to waste his money on a licence.
At his side the telephone began to ring breaking into the boredom of the latest BBC effort.
‘Hello?’
‘Is that Mr Purves?’ said the voice in a thick accent.
‘Yes, who is this, you’re not a hoax call are you?’
‘No certainly not, I’m calling to help you. I’m led to believe that you recently passed over to the other side and was brought back. I’m here to help you.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘We have our ways and the CEO of our company had a similar experience to your good self. He is reasonably sure that you were asked for your bits. Just as he was when he went over. Were you?’ asked the voice at the end of the phone.
‘Yes I think I was asked for my bits, but I can’t be sure, it might just have well been a dream.’
‘Oh it wasn’t a dream you were asked and if you didn’t have your bits you would have to spend time in Purgatory making new ones as replacements. My CEO knows and he is determined to help those who have had a similar experience as he, so that they don’t spend time in purgatory but can go straight into heaven and enjoy the afterlife.’
‘How does he do that?’
‘Well at a small charge he supplies the bits that people have missing. So that they can avoid the time in purgatory. That way He is happy and the newly bereaved is saved from purgatory. Are you interested?’
‘Of course I’m interested, but how much does it cost?’ asked Mr Purves.
’It depends on what you need, some bits are a little more expensive than others. What do you need?’
‘Well I have both hips changed, and a knee replaced, Appendix, Gall Bladder and I had a Cataract Operation.’
‘You are not Jewish are you as they have another bit missing.’
‘No I’m not Jewish.’
‘Well I estimate that the cost of all these Bits will be about 20 Krugerrand.’
‘How do I pay? How much is it worth?’
‘We think it’s worth many centuries in Purgatory, particularly when you no longer need the money in the afterlife, in this life a Krugerrand is worth about £1000. As you get older and closer to the time the price of gold may go up. When you have the Krugers you call us and a Representative will deliver all your missing bits.’
After much discussion with his wife and as she didn’t have any missing bits and she would make sure that if she did have any bits removed she would make sure she asked the surgeon for them. Mr Purves finally drew the money out of his Building Society Account and bought the gold coins and made the call. Eventually the representative arrived and delivered the bits in a beautiful case, and collected the Krugers. There the bits rested until they were needed.
* * *
Over time he grew older and his health began to fail.
To his wife he said, ‘I think I’ll be happy to go, I’ve had enough and I know that I’ll be there waiting for you in heaven and not in Purgatory. I know that I’ll miss you so much until we meet again. I was so very lucky to meet you when I was young. You are such a good person I’m certain there will be no Purgatory for you when your time comes.’
‘I’ll make sure you have your case of bits with you when you have gone,’ said his wife as she could see that her husband was nearing his end.
‘Hello Boyo,’ said a voice with a very strong Welsh accent.
‘Is it time? Is that you?’
‘Oh Yes Boyo, it’s me, Dia The Death. I’m here to collect you, there is no mistake this time, your allotted time is up,’ said Dia with a cheerful sound in his voice.
‘I’ve got all my bits, they are in that case, I must make sure I take them or I’ll have to spend time making replacements.’
‘Where did you get them Boyo as you never had them before?’ said Dia the Death.
‘When I came back I searched for them and was lucky I found them all.’
‘Oh well I hope you have. Come on you know where we are going,’ said Dia with a sceptic sound in his voice.
‘Is it to the Crowded Great Hall again?’
‘Oh no, as you have been before, I’ll take to a special clearing room. So if you are ready off we go.’
On his bed he took his last breath and his wife saw the last rise and fall of his chest.
‘He’s gone,’ she said to their children who were standing round the bed. She looked over to where the Case of bits had been located and notice it had gone. She smiled to herself and thought he will be okay now.
With the case in one hand and Dia the Death holding his other arm they rose up faster and faster until they finally arrived at the special Clearing Hall.
‘I’ll leave you here Boyo. I hope your bits are all acceptable.’ With that Dia the Death left the room and he approached the counter.
‘I know you. You came here a few years ago but the Medical Profession interfered as usual and dragged you back to earth,’ said the bored looking Angel behind the counter.
‘You were in the big hall the last time I saw you, have you been promoted to this special station?’
‘Yes, now have you got your bits?’
‘After what you said last time we met I certainly have all my missing bits.’ With that he threw the case on to the counter.
The Angel run his hand over the case and said, ‘You have a very nice case there, I’ve seen similar before.’
‘Now what bits have you collected, here is my list for you,’ said the Angel as he took a paper from under the counter. ‘Both Hips, One Knee, appendix, gallbladder and an eye lens,’ continued the Angel
‘I’ve got them all in this case ready for you,’ as he opened the case with a flourish to show the An-gel all his bits. He then emptied the case onto the counter.
‘Let me look at them,’ said the Angel as he began to search through the bits. He occasionally looked up into his face. ‘Where did you get these bits?’
‘I was lucky I had an Agent who searched the hospitals where I had the operations he told me I was lucky as they had been kept as they were of interest. So he collected them for me.’
‘Well let me see, you have two right hips joints here and they are from a large ape. The knee joint is from, like you, a donkey and the other bit are just offal you can get from any butchers. How much did he take off you?’
‘He charged me £20000 for the service.’
‘You have been scammed. Did he have an African Accent? and call you on the ‘phone telling you his CEO has had a similar near death experience as you?’
‘Yes he did.’
‘You are not the first, we have had a number of cases like this just recently.’
‘Am I in trouble?’
‘I’m afraid so, partly because you have missing bits and most because you tried to deceive us.’
‘Can’t you forget about the deception, as I was also deceived?’
‘Afraid I can’t, as it would be more than my job’s worth, and I don’t want to go back to those crowed noise reception halls. No can’t do it.’
‘Can you just put me in purgatory until my wife arrives as I have said I’ll be waiting to greet her?’
‘Let me have a look at her record,’ said the Angel as he pulled a laptop from under the counter and called up her record.
‘Ho, that’s interesting, who was Bill Blanford?’ asked the Angel with a smirk on his face.
‘He was a very close friend of the family, for a while we used to go on Holiday together.’
‘Oh I can see he was a very close friend particularly of your wife, I think she will be able to spend some time with you in Purgatory, perhaps Bill will be able to join you and it will be just like old times for you all.’
‘You mean? She and him, I never knew I always thought she was true.’
‘Exactly!’
‘The Swine. Bill was such a good friend, and I did miss him when he stopped coming.’
‘Language, please!’