Writing for Fun
August 2016
A Matter Of Life And Death - Jan Osborne
King Aga had twelve loyal and brave knights who had sworn an oath to defend his kingdom, right all wrongs and rescue damsels in distress. They sat at a nearly round table. I say nearly because it used to be a round table until Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, one of the knights, got carried away and slammed his favourite weapon, an axe called the Dragon Slayer, down onto the table and had splintered a huge chunk off the edge. King Aga had not been pleased and had nearly banished him but because he was so brave he relented.
Today’s meeting was about to begin. Everyone was quiet. King Aga was waiting for the last of his knights to arrive.
Soon they heard the soft footfalls of the youngest knight, Sir Rust a Lot, accompanied by chink . . . chink, chink, chink . . . ting as rusty rings of his chain mail coat fell to the floor followed by a large rivet from his breastplate. Poor Sir Rust a Lot had no money and lived in a tumbledown castle but hoped one day to rescue a damsel in distress who would fall in love with him even though he was penniless and not very handsome.
When all were seated round the table King Aga coughed, cleared his throat and began, ‘Brave knights of my nearly round table poor Lady Harissa Flatbuns has been captured by the fiercest dragon of them all, Inferno, son of Firefull the First. One of you must rescue her but I must warn you, she is poor and not a beauty.
All the knights looked at each other in alarm but said nothing.
Sir Goes Berserk a Lot flourished his war axe Dragon Slayer above his head and roared that he would slay the dragon and rescue Harissa if it was not for the fact that his foot still hurt from the last meeting when he had dropped his axe on it. If the truth be known he would rather not rescue a maid who had no money or beauty.
Sir Laugh a Lot guffawed loudly in the following silence then stopped abruptly as the king glared at him. He shuffled in embarrassment and remained silent. He was not going to offer to be the rescuer.
Sir Cry a Lot sobbed quietly at hearing Harissa’s fate but did not offer to rescue her either.
Sir Boast a Lot said he could take on the biggest ever dragon but could not rescue Harissa as his suit of armour was being cleaned and besides his Mum had told him that he had to be home in time for tea. He did not want to rescue a penniless maid either.
Sir Fall Over a Lot jumped up and began pacing the floor, thinking over the problem, when he tripped over one of the king’s hounds lying under table and fell flat on his face. The hound then moved and dribbled over Sir Worth a Lot’s jewel encrusted slippers making him very cross and, anxious that they should not be forever stained, hurried out of the room to have them cleaned.
Sir Um and Ah a Lot stood up, muttered, ‘Um yes, ah, jolly bad show. Poor old Harissa. Um Ah yes,’ and sat down again.
Sir Pick his Nose a Lot? Well we all know what he did.
Sir Eat a Lot crammed two pies at once into his mouth and then coughed crumbs everywhere.
Sir Drink a Lot guzzled a large goblet of wine. Gave a silly grin, burped loudly and slid gently under the table and started to snore.
Sir Get it Wrong a Lot, looking puzzled, asked how had Harissa managed to capture a fierce dragon and said why would she want to anyway?
Sir Scared a Lot refused to eat anything or drink anything in case it had been poisoned and refused to say yes or no to rescuing Harissa in case it was a trick question.
Sir Pray a Lot prayed for another knight to save Harrissa as he had to take his newly rescued damsel in distress wife shopping.
Sir Cost a Lot asked if there was to be a reward for rescuing Harissa if she did not have money. The king said no there would be none so Sir Cost a Lot fell silent.
Sir Moan a Lot said rescuing damsels in distress was too dangerous and there was not enough money to be made and hinted that King Aga was mean in not paying his knights. King Aga threw a fit then threw him in the dungeons.
Sir Rust a Lot slowly stood up. Chink . . . chink, chink, chink . . . clunk. Silence. Everyone looked at him then each other. Again silence. ‘I will rescue Harissa.’ Chink . . . chink, chink, chink . . . tinkle.
Sir Laugh a Lot sniggered but the king told him to shut up and for all to salute a very noble and brave knight.
Sir Rust a Lot knew Harissa was as poor as he but his soft heart said she needed rescuing. He mounted his trusty steed Droopy knock knees and headed for the Burnt Forest where Inferno had his lair. Chink . . . chink, chink, chink . . . clatter.
The scenery changed from green hills and leafy glades to scorched bushes and charred trees until a huge cave came into view and so did Inferno, the biggest, fiercest dragon alive, breathing great gouts of flame.
Sir Rust a Lot dismounted. Chink . . . chink, chink, chink . . . plop. More chain mail hit the floor. His coat was now only to his waist and the sleeves were nearly nonexistent. He unstrapped his leather water bottle and walked nearer. He could see Harissa chained to the cave wall. She looked scared and had big tears rolling down her cheeks.
‘Fear not fair maid I have come to rescue you.’
She stopped crying and gave Sir Rust a Lot a huge smile and blew him a kiss. ‘For my brave and handsome knight.’
Sir Rust a Lot’s face flushed at the compliment and he felt ten feet tall; he was in love.
With his sword in one hand and the water bottle in the other he challenged the dragon. ‘Inferno there is no ransom money but I will fight you if I have to. Let Harrissa go or it will be a matter of life and death – Harissa’s life and your death.’ Chink . . . chink, chink, chink . . . ting and the end of his sword fell off. Undaunted he stepped nearer.
Harissa screamed, ‘My hero,’ and Inferno roared flames that melted his shield and singed Sir Rust a Lot’s eyebrows. Throwing caution to the wind he unstopped his water bottle and as Inferno opened his mouth to belch more flames Sir Rust a Lot squirted all the water into his mouth.
Inferno gargled and then coughed and huge clouds of steam and soot shot out of his mouth but no flames. The dragon sat down with a bump and started to cry. ‘I don’t want to hurt Harissa or fight you Sir Rust a Lot. I only wanted to draw attention to my plight. I am not a bad dragon and I would love to use my fire to help people, not hurt them, but it has all gone wrong.’ More huge tears splashed down his face onto the scorched ground causing more steam.
Sir Rust a Lot was touched. ‘You can come and live on my land, Inferno and in return for food and shelter perhaps you would be kind enough to use your fire to help me and my villagers.’
Inferno gladly agreed and wept even more tears but this time tears of joy.
Harissa thought Sir Rust Lot was wonderful, kind and generous. Even though he had very little money he had wanted to rescue her. She fell in love with him.
When the trio reached Sir Rust a Lot’s castle he married Harissa. Inferno cooked the wedding feast and offered help with his fire to anyone who needed it. Soon he was the most popular dragon in the shire.
King Aga was so pleased that Sir Rust a Lot’s actions had enabled a peace treaty to be signed between the Dragons and humans that he gave a lot of money to him and Harissa.
Sir Rust a Lot built a beautiful castle for Harissa and himself and a two up, two down fireproof house for Inferno and his new love Volcano.
They all lived happily ever after.