Writing for Fun
May 2016
Judgement - Reg Pound
'You told the Court this morning that you could not have committed the offences of which you are charged because you, and I quote, 'weren't there.' Percy Smyth, a newly qualified inexperienced Barrister was conducting the prosecution of Robert 'Lucky' Charmers in an East London Magistrate Court.
'That's right. I weren't sir.'
'Where weren't you?'
'Where ever you reckoned I was, sir.'
Robert felt he had more experience of Courts than this green Counsel. If he could confuse him enough he expected to get the charges against him dropped.
Percy continued, 'But you will not tell the Court, or the police, where you were.'
'Why should I?' Robert paused before adding, 'Sir.'
'When the Old Bill arrested me they told me anything I said may be used against me. On top of that ain't I supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, so it's up to you to show I done it.'
'Which I intend to do.' Percy felt the case against this villain was cut and dried.
'I thought of that, and if I am found guilty I'd like to say I'm sorry and I won't do it again.'
'If you say you are not guilty, why apologise?'
'Well, the Solicitor I had before I got rid of him and decided to conduct my own defence told me that if I said I was sorry I'd get a lighter sentence, so I thought I'd get my apology in just in case the police managed to stitch me up and I am found guilty.'
Percy returned to his examination. 'So you say that you were not there when the car was stolen.'
'I couldn't have been, could I? Cos I was somewhere else.'
'How do you explain therefore that the police found you getting into a stolen car with its keys in your possession?'
'Yer, that's a bit tricky, that one.'
Percy thought he'd tease this young herbert and said, 'I suppose you are going to tell the Court that you met someone in a pub who asked you to move the car for him.'
Robert saw his chance and replied, 'That's right. If you know what happened why are you asking me? Although it weren't a bloke it was some bird. She said she'd had too much to drink and would I get the car from the car park and pick her up in front of the pub.'
Percy felt exhausted; this wasn't going as he expected.
'I suggest to you that you have just made that up because I put the idea into your head. When I said perhaps you had met someone in a pub who had given you the keys I was being sardonic.'
You mean you were taking the pi . . ., whoops, just making fun of me? I thought it might be because it could have been a defence you yourself had used and got away with it in the past.
Mr Howard, the Magistrate, whose patience was running out, glared at them both and in a very curt tone said, 'Mr. Charmers, Mr. Smyth, will you please stop this banter; it is wasting the Court's time.'
In unison they apologised.
'Yes sir.'
'Sorry sir.'
Counsel Smyth carried on with his questioning. 'If the story about the girl in a pub is true how do you explain that the police arrested you in the car park of a supermarket and that the nearest public house was at least a mile away?'
Robert was ready for that question.
'Well supermarkets are the only place you can park nowadays. The town car parks are usually choc-a-block, and anyway the old bill hang around pub car parks to try and catch drivers who have been drinking. So it's safer to park away from a pub.
The magistrate interrupted.
'Mr. Charmers we haven't got all day. Please just answer Counsel's question briefly and to the point.'
'Sorry sir. Well, to tell the truth . . .'
Percy Smyth could not resist a murmured, 'That'll make a change.'
'Mr. Smyth, I've warned the defendant, do I have to warn you too?' sighed the Magistrate.
'Sorry sir. Well now what about the keys, Mr Charmers?'
'I found the keys and I was just going to hand them in when the police arrested me. When they accused me of stealing a car, I couldn't have been more surprised.'
The questions and answers continued.
Counsel: 'Why's that?'
Robert: 'I thought they were going to fit me up for shoplifting.'
Counsel: 'Why, what had you stolen?'
Magistrate: 'Mr Smyth!'
Counsel: 'Sorry. Sorry, sir.'
Magistrate: 'Before we continue I should like to know why, Mr Charmers, you decided to defend yourself and not take advantage of using a Barrister as offered by the Court. A Barrister would I hope have kept you and the prosecuting Counsel in line.'
Robert Charmers: 'Well sir, as I wasn't guilty I didn't think I'd need one, anyway, I didn't like someone I didn't know defending me for all I knew he might have thought I was guilty.'
The Magistrate made a few notes and told Percy Smyth to continue he examination.
'Thank you, sir.' He turned towards Robert and said, 'My last question was why should you think that the police wanted to arrest you for shoplifting?'
'Well I could have gone into the store and come out with something I hadn't paid for.'
Counsel: 'Did you?'
Robert: 'Did I what?'
Counsel: 'Go into the store?'
Robert: 'Yes.'
Counsel: 'Did you take something without paying for it?'
Robert: 'No they wouldn't let me pay, they said I was trying to pay with a forged £10 note. They kept it and called the Police. I kept the cigs I wanted to buy and walked out. They still owe me the change. I don't call that shoplifting.'
Counsel: 'When you explained why you had the cigarettes and that you didn't know the ten pound note was a forgery, why do you think they searched you and then found you had keys to a car reported stolen?'
Robert: 'Shall I explain?'
Counsel: 'Yes please.'
Robert: 'Well, the Police round here have been moaned at for stopping and searching too many ethnic and rough looking youths and are trying to prove they are even handed, so they have started to stop and search innocent looking smart blokes like me. It's a sort of discrimination.'
Counsel: 'So you dress well to try to look less suspicious?'
Robert turned to the Magistrate and asked, 'Can he say that? I just like to look smart.'
The Magistrate frowned at the Counsel and said, 'Mr Smyth, be careful. Continue your questioning.'
Counsel Smyth turned to Robert and said, 'Let's forget about the shoplifting.'
Robert interrupts. 'Which I didn't do.'
Counsel: 'And return to the car theft charge. When you were arrested you had two false car number plates in your possession didn't you?'
Robert: 'Yes and no.'
Counsel: 'What do you mean?'
Robert: 'Yes, I had two number plates but they were not false.'
Counsel: 'What were they then?'
Robert: 'Personalised plates for my bedroom wall.'
Counsel: 'Why?'
Robert: 'As decoration.'
Counsel: 'Could they not have been mistaken for real plates?'
Robert: 'They were real plates.'
Counsel: 'Could they not have been used as real plates?'
Robert: 'No.'
Counsel: 'Why?'
Robert: 'Because they are real numbers.'
Counsel: 'What were the numbers on the plates?'
Robert: 'LUK 1 E – it's a joke see. People call me Lucky because of my name being Charmers like.'
Magistrate: 'Not very lucky on this occasion, eh, Mr. Charmers?'
Robert: 'No, your Honour. Some people like to have their initials on their number plates, but as my first name is Robert, R.C. (Arsey), I didn't think that a good idea.'
Magistrate: 'Quite so, Mr Charmers – carry on, Mr Smyth.'
Counsel: 'Leaving aside the false number plates for the moment and returning to the stolen car, you do not deny that the keys to the car reported stolen were found in your possession by the Police.'
Robert: 'Yes I do deny that. I have some keys but I did not know that the car to which they belonged had been reported stolen.'
Counsel: 'Mr. Charmers, would you like to drive an Alfa Romeo Losso convertible?'
Robert: 'Yes.'
Counsel: 'So if you saw a car of that model with its keys in the lock would you be tempted to steal it?'
Robert: 'No.'
Counsel: 'Why not?'
Robert: 'Cos I already own one.'
Magistrate: 'Mr Smyth we don't seem to be getting very far. I'm inclined to dismiss the case against Mr Charmers as you seem to be poorly prepared and I find my head going round in circles.'
Robert: 'It can't go round any other way, your Lordship.'
Magistrate: 'Mr Charmers, I shall dismiss the case against you but I find that you seem to conduct your case for your own amusement and so I find you guilty of Contempt of Court and sentence you to one day's imprisonment.'