Writing for Fun
May 2016
Rocky part 3 - Gerry Miller
[A continuation from March & April]
The podgy auburn haired girl heard the church door bang behind her and, stepping out into the pouring rain, realised at least in this weather no one would notice her sobs. A yawning chasm was opening, grief and heartbreak stretched endlessly before her. The tiny son that she had given birth to this morning was now in the hands of the church. Annie was racked with pain and she hugged her aching body staggering as in a drunken walk back to the bus station.
Annie knew she deserved to die and death was all pervasive in her mind. 'Judgement is mine sayeth the Lord,' was all she could think of. Her body ached for her child yet as she mounted the bus she knew her son was safe and would soon be well looked after. The boy had been safely delivered in the Samaritans rooms, how shocked they had been. They were bound by confidentiality and she had been so careful to have nothing identifying on her, better safe than sorry. Of course they supported her but they also had their deeper opinions they kept to themselves. Sneaking out with baby had been easier than she thought. No need to ever go near them again.
At last the bus arrived at the gates of Woolaton Hall; the rain was coming down in sheets. By the time Annie reached the park keepers lodge she was a drowned rat. She opened the door calling out, 'Dad I'm home.' No answer and peering into the lounge, she saw him softly snoring in the armchair; kissing the top of his head, holding her tears back she went and ran a bath. Ever since her mum had died giving birth to her he had tried his best. On her mother's death he had resigned from the army and returned home to the lodge. His father had been park keeper and had managed the deer herds before him. The job turned out to be a shoe in and his PTSD from service in Northern Ireland was more manageable in this rural location.
She was so excited that day on her way to tell Ian and his family about the baby, she had already thought through some wedding plans. Of course her dad would be angry she was only fifteen and three quarters but how those three quarters made all the difference. She would not look pregnant when they got married. Then she had overheard Ian's father at the big house say to Ian's mum, 'That girl is too young and just not the right type for him, he can have the choice of anyone in the county.' Annie turned around walked out of the big house and never spoke to them again. It was so hurtful; they had always treated her as one of their own. She smiled through the tears trickling down her face and remembered how she and Ian ran wild and free through the grounds, the coming of age with the passionate lovemaking. The laughter and fits of giggles they shared, the togetherness and the sense of belonging. Annie spoke to herself sharply, 'Get a grip girl happy memories are a luxury for later.'
Annie soaked her aching body and tried to focus on the positives: her baby was strong and healthy and now in a place of safety. The baby quilt she had laboured all her free time over was safely wrapped around him and most of all no-one had spotted her pregnancy. Since hearing his parents on that day Annie had known she would never tell Ian and with him starting at university it had been easy to conceal her pregnancy. She loved him so much she could not 'ruin his life'.
Rapid knocking on the door and Annie slipped in the bath, 'Alright Dad I'm getting out, five minutes.'
'Are you OK, dear, you're talking to yourself again?'
'Just revising my French oral for tomorrow.'
'Five minutes and bed or you won't get up.'
Annie sighed getting out of the bath and, a towel round her, she nipped into her bedroom and shut the door. 'Goodnight Dad, see you in the morning.'
Painkillers eased the traumas her young body had been through and exhaustion sent her to sleep. The next few weeks and months passed in a fugue. Flashbacks tormented her, school was pushing her hard, they thought she had a brain and they were expecting her to use it. Her father had read out the article in the local paper about the abandoned baby. 'Your mother would never have left you had she not been so ill.' Dad was upset again so she gave him a hug and told him, 'I love you, dad and know that mum would have loved me too, no need to worry about me I'm fine.'
'But you are so thin, Annie, I do worry; perhaps you ought to see the Doc.'
Forcing a laugh Annie replied, 'No thanks, I will be less stressed once exams are over.'
Ian had come home from uni and had called to see her several times; being the chicken that Annie felt she was she frequently hid in her room until he left. Then punishing herself she would watch as dejectedly he would disappear from view. Tears forever streamed down her face – thank God for the excuse of hay fever. Annie's thoughts were violent and angry; she had spared those around her so much pain, whilst inside she screamed to herself. 'What the F..k about me, why am I not good enough?'
Time passed with interminable slowness and the deep dark hurt was carried around with her like a sack of despair. Ian had finally given up and Annie saw various young women come and go, but whatever his parents thought, none of these relationships lasted. At last university raised its head for Annie and, having had a long conversation with her dad and her sixth form, she convinced them that Nottingham University Veterinary School would be right for her. It also meant she would be able to remain with her dad and keep an eye on his increasing fragility. The huge bonus was this would keep her out of Ian's way, fully occupied with no time for boys, Ian or otherwise.
On the day she graduated it was her son's tenth birthday and the ache was ever present, at least if he was ever to find her, would he be able to forgive her and be proud of her. Her dad noticing the tears in her eyes, hugged her whispering in her ear, 'Don't worry, I am sure Mum is proud of you too.' Annie smiled at her dad and she wondered how proud he could be 'If he knows I have a son abandoned at birth'. Ian's parents had been to see her dad and discussed with him whether he had an opinion as to Annie coming to work for them seeing to the deer etc. They would turn the lease of the house over to them, and if Annie wanted to continue with her research she would be ideally placed. Annie, accepting Ian had faded into her background and would not be resident at the big house for some time to come, accepted the offer. If her son ever realised what the quilt was she had be here to be found.
Time moved on and Annie went out with no one, she dealt with her own pain in her own way. Her son was her memory alone and she was unprepared to share him with anyone. Annie counted all her events by her son's birthdays, ten years old her graduation, fifteen years old her dad died, seventeen years old and she was appointed Research Fellow at Nottingham and her photo was placed in the uni magazine and also on the faculty wall in the main university building.
Jody, Adam and Rocky were up and on the bus early to Woolaton Hall; they had no idea what to do first, nor the best way to go about things. What they basically agreed on was they would visit the house first, surely someone there would know about the Baker's. Managements were chatty and helpful, but unable to give out any information. Finally someone directed them to the old head gardener; he liked a good gossip and had been around donkey's years. He knew of the Baker girl, and after a good deal of reminiscing he told them that she had died in childbirth, the trio were stunned. To have come so far for this to be the end was cruel beyond belief. They returned to campus sad and dejected.
Jody was concerned that Rocky appeared depressed especially after everything went so well and then to fall so flat. Bravely deciding to stick her nose in further she convinced Rocky to go to and ask to see the counsellor, and ever obedient Rocky trundled off to the main faculty building. As he passed through the revolving doors Adam chased in after him. 'I know, I know what's happened.' He paused catching his breath from running, Rocky waited patiently. 'We got the names mixed up; your grandmother is Mary Annabel deceased and your mother is Annabel Mary and should be still alive, after all she probably is now early thirties'. Rocky sank on to the bench; his emotions were on a giant rollercoaster.
Jody came through the doors arriving at a much slower pace, she was certainly not about running after Rocky, her face was radiant and excitement emanated from her. 'I've had a response about the quilt look what I have found.' She took Rocky by the hand and pulling him up led him slowly along the University wall of photos and there right at the end under Veterinary faculty was a photo of Annabel Mary Baker.
Rocky could finally meet his birth mother and for her the world would hopefully turn out to be without judgement.