Writing for Fun
May 2015
The First Time - Reg Pound
A piece by the well known anagram, Doug Pern.
'Good morning everyone.
'I'm Doug Pern, your local community radio host, bringing you your daily advice program.'
'It's Thursday, and gardening advice day, which is given weekly . . .'
'Very weakly, Mr. Pern.'
'I don't think your microphone is switched off, Pete.'
'Sorry Mr. Pern. I was only arti-choking.'
'Ignore him folks. That's Pete our Technician. We've nicknamed him 'Compost'. He's trying to master the on/off buttons. And today he is finishing his stint of Community Service. When the Magistrate gave him Community Service Pete believed it meant he was going to help a vicar prepare his sermons.
'. . . anyway, as I was saying, gardening advice given by our expert Horticulture Harry.'
As usual, we introduce our slot with an excerpt from the Benny Hill song 'Garden of Love'. I especially like the words: 'We planted a palm tree where we had our first date, and a turnip because you always turnupped late . . .'
'Enough – on to the first question; this is from Ron of Rochford who writes: 'My Hosta's leaves are going brown and they do not produce any flowers. Can you help? Over to you Harry.'
'Well Ron, if you are growing your Hostas in the shade, I suggest you move them to a sunny position and if they are already in the sun, move them to the shade.'
'Thank you, Harry, we hope that was useful Ron.
'Now a question from Sally of Shoebury who enclosed a blossom and leaf with her letter and would like to know why her fruit tree is not producing nice ripe plums. Harry?'
'The main reason. Sally, is because it's a greengage tree. Try checking the label next time you buy'.
'Wise advice, Harry. And now an enquiry from Barry of Benfleet. 'Why have my flowers died just after being watered?''
'Why have my flowers died just after being watered? Doug, is this letter from a neighbour of Billy of Benfleet?'
'Yes, Harry. I think it is.'
'Well, Barry, before you borrow your neighbour's watering can, make sure you clean it out. Last week I told Billy to use a weed killer to get rid of weeds on his drive. Next question please, Doug.'
'This is similar to the first question from Ron of Rochford and is from Peggy in Pitsea and reads: 'My hosta's leaves are going brown and they do not produce any flowers.' Is it the same problem as Ron's, Harry?'
'No, Doug, this is quite different. Peggy should check how much she is watering her plants. If she gives them more than two litres per day, she should water a bit less. However, if she is giving them less than two litres a day, she should increase it.'
'Thank you Harry. I think we'll have to call it a day now. The studio cuts us off if we overrun. But before you go, I have a question.'
'Better make it quick Doug.'
'Yes Harry – I want to grow some herbs in pots and I would like to know which herb I should start with.'
'OK, Doug. The First: Thyme . . .'