Writing for Fun
February 2015
The curious incident of a quiet day in the life of old folk! - Joan Bond
I had a letter delivered to me the other day. I really love a letter as it doesn't disintegrate before you have fully taken in the lovely wording and obvious style of actual writing. I have to admit any letter from me is a challenge to the reader, some of whom give up after three days if they have not been able to read my writing.
I knew somehow that this missive must have been written by a person of another age as the style and lavishness of the explanation was exceptionable.
It came from an old acquaintance of mine now in an old persons home in the countryside in Suffolk. She tells me that although she is very well looked after, we now revert to the common: 'It is so bloody boring we are going out of our minds!'
Sadie, for that was her name, was a reprobate in her previous life and I could just imagine her playing bingo and having to endure a sing song from the local church choir once or twice a week.
She said would I be prepared to do them a favour, them being two other ladies.
Miniapelis and Dorothea. Win and Dot for short, and a gentleman called Bert.
They wanted to go to a town and get some decent jewellery for Min who was going to be presented at Court, apparently given an OBE for services rendered as she delivered Spitfires to all bases in the war.
Well Min didn't want to turn up before the Queen in a tatty tiara because all her jewels had had to be sold to pay for the home. They had a shop in mind in the big town and seen a lovely bit of the real thing when on a day out last month. There was a small problem as Min was in a motorised scooter and Dot had a wooden leg. Dot thought this might come in handy as she could whack the salesman on the head when he was unrolling the pack of diamonds on the counter. I thought, yes, and you would look a real Charlie if they had to run for it. They had the outing planned but needed a young man with a largish van to help them in the escape. Well I must admit my life had been a bit boring since being involved with Sadie's antics of previous years and I thought. Yeah!
They all set out in the van motorised scooter, wheelchair and all . . .
The idea was for Sadie and Min to enter the shop, which was mostly only occupied by one chap, the owner, and ask to see the tiaras he had for sale. It didn't occur to them that for a simple medal giving occasion one didn't present oneself in long dress and diamonds; they didn't watch the news much, it was always on when Face that Crap was on the other side.
When Min had chosen the jewellery Sadie would go to the window and blow her nose; this message gave Bert the signal to cross the road and shoot his scooter directly at the shop window – not hard enough to cause damage but to give Sadie the excuse to scream and distract the jeweller.
Which it did and he rushed to open the door and shout angrily at Bert who looked upset and panicky. Sadie and Min ran out behind him and as Dot was passing in her wheelchair as arranged Min quickly dropped the tiara in her lap swiftly covering it with her shawl.
In the confusion the girls made their escape on Min's scooter and were all picked up around the corner up the ramp to my van. The door closed, we waited until Bert was able to apologise and leave and picked him up to and we roared away back to the village.
I have to say Min looked a treat on the day, dressed to the nines and collected by a black limousine provided by the palace due to her age and incapacity. The queen had to bend down to pin the medal on her chest and actually openly admired the diamonds. We posted the tiara back to the shop the next day. Well, we didn't want it hanging around; you can't trust anyone not to help themselves nowadays . . .