May 2012
'So I bought John a Kindle for his birthday.'
'Ooh! Did he like it?'
'He loved it – he downloads all his books straight from the net directly onto it and now, when we go to Ibiza, he can take them all with him; all on the one little device, clever . . . oh, Maam.'
Neither of the two maids had noticed the Queen approaching along the corridor from the direction of the Royal apartments and they were now both blushing at being discovered gossiping when they should have been spring cleaning the rows of antique paintings that lined the walls.
'And what exactly is a Kindle?' her Majesty enquired.
Rosemary gave the regulation curtsey and, emboldened by the Queen's warm smile, launched into a full explanation of the virtues of the e-book reader. When her explanation had finally ground down into an embarrassed silence, the Queen appeared thoughtful, 'And where precisely would one purchase one of these Kindles?'
Rosemary said, 'I got mine from Amazon on line, Maam.'
'But what if one wanted to have a close look at one before one purchased it?'
'Well, then you would have to get it from a shop; you can buy them from most places, Dixons, Currys, even Tescos, I think.' Rosemary froze as she realised she had actually suggested that the Monarch might go to Tesco's to buy something.
'I see. Thank you very much for your advice . . .?'
'Er, Rosemary, Maam.'
'Rosemary.' The Queen drifted off regally towards the grand staircase and Jenny said, 'Rosy, I don't believe you said that – even for you that was well out of order – you'll get us both sacked.'
Lieutenant William Cartwright, the Queen's Equerry, was enjoying a coffee with Mrs Jenkins, the Buckingham Palace housekeeper, when the door opened and the Queen appeared. 'No, no, William, Edith, do be seated,' she protested as they both scrambled to stand in her presence. She sat down at the table and refused the offer of a drink.
'Now, William, do please tell me where I could find a Dixons or a Currys or a Tescos.'
William looked thoroughly confused, 'Erm, why would you want to know that, Maam?'
'Because one needs to purchase a present for Philip for his birthday and the confounded man appears to have everything. I understand that those establishments I mentioned are where one might go to purchase a Kindle e-book reader.'
'You are quite right, Maam; I will send someone out to get one straight away.'
'No, no, William – if I wanted to do that I could order one 'on-line.' I don't know whether Philip would like one or not, so it would be nice to see one first and . . . get the feel of it, don't you see?'
William was even more confused, 'Maam, I will send out for one directly and you can examine it at your leisure.'
The Queen cocked her head to one side and smiled, 'William you really are a dear,' she said, 'but that is not what one is driving at, at all. It is years since I have had an excursion outside these walls which has not been an official visit with motorcades and Police escorts and the like. One thinks it would be amusing just to slip out – incognito, so to speak – and have a look for oneself.' William was absolutely horrified; he could hardly contain himself. He was torn between the meticulously recorded detail of his royal responsibilities, which he had sworn an oath to perform and . . . a petulant, rebellious monarch with a death wish and absolutely no regard to his future employment prospects, or maybe even his very life!
'Er, Maam, I will have to discuss this with the Commissioner – your personal safety is ultimately his concern.'
'Pish, William,' she smiled, 'One is sure we can keep this just between the two of us . . . three.' she nodded to her housekeeper.
Dressed in a simple grey coat and a plain grey hat, borrowed from Mrs Jenkins, the Queen fussed over her appearance in a mirror while her Equerry changed into casual clothing, then they slipped out through the grounds to a side gate. The policeman on duty at the gate had watched the couple approaching on his monitors and had walked outside to challenge them, when he was astonished to see his monarch before him, dressed so casually that for a moment he did not recognise her. He was most unhappy when she explained her intentions to him and then swore him to secrecy, promising him that they would be back in the twinkling of an eye and before anyone could notice that they had gone.
The moment they had gone, however, the petrified policeman radioed up for advice, but by the time he received his instructions, the taxi was well out of sight.
The Oxford Street Dixons was not crowded, it was midweek and low season, and nobody took any notice whatsoever of a little old lady in a brown hat and a tall nervous gentleman who appeared to be carrying the weight of the world upon his shoulders. However, the young shop assistant, who from his name tag was called George, was a little uncertain when he approached and cheerfully asked, 'Can I help you madam?'
At this point the 'little old lady' tipped her head up and smiled at him from beneath the brim of the hat and he saw her face for the first time. It is quite surprising that, when we see someone at a place or in circumstances that are not familiar, we often fail to recognise them and, while George thought the lady looked familiar, the connection was not made . . . until she said, 'Yes, young man, one would like to see a Kindle e-book reader.'
The voice was so familiar, George froze – now he made the connection and his jaw dropped open.
William wanted this bizarre situation over and the Queen returned safely to Buck House without delay, so he hissed at the frozen assistant, 'Today would be nice – er – George.'
The assistant went into auto-pilot and led the couple up to the display Kindle, attached to its security cable, and launched into his practised sales patter without any of it passing through his comatose brain. When the little old lady wanted to try it herself, he handed it over and robotically talked her through the mechanics of its operation.
She was clearly satisfied, because she then said, 'George, one would like to purchase one of these Kindle e-book readers, but this one appears to be fixed to the counter.'
The assistant backed away and then rushed off to the stock room and was back a few moments later with a small box in his hand. He led them to an empty till where he processed the purchase and then looked helplessly at the couple. William reached in his pocket – it is one of the few facts that the general public truly know about the monarch, that she never carries any money on her – but she waved him away and reached into the pocket of her coat and produced a small wad of banknotes, 'Sometimes, William, one has to be prepared for the unusual.' she laughed.
As they walked out of the shop to the waiting taxi, the manager walked up to the still stunned George, 'Who was that?' he asked.
The assistant coughed nervously, 'Boss . . . you don't wanna know!'