Southend U3A

Writing for Fun

July 2018

Catch Me If You Can - Gerry Miller and Sue Barker

[Continued from June]

Hi Sue

Thanks for your message, I have had to hide my mobile phone in a very secret place. All I can tell you is that the sun doesn’t shine there. So I am very careful sitting down to say the least.

The plaster is off my leg so there is one less hiding place.

I have my get out of jail card though the wardens are laughing at me when I said I’m not here for long! I hate sewing mail bags but mine has turned into a harness.

I have practiced hiding in my cell and they keep finding me, now I am left alone under the bunk even though they can’t see me. The old ladies have agreed to bang my door closed as they pass. So I figure the screws will leave it until morning slop out before they find I’m not in there.

The old dears say the drone will be here just after lights out I am going out first as a trial run, as I’m the lightest of us. Don’t think hiding in the pig bin will be fun!

Be on the hospital roof just after eleven and my harness will be hanging from the drone put it on and you will be flown to our new hidey hole.

I will be clean by then as hiding in the pig bins the harness went on upside down and I was flown head down and dropped in a cow field. My cow pat hat looked fantastic and I smelt very aromatic!

Remember hold on tight and see you soon.

Ex. Prisoner no 654124 Gerry

Dear Gerry,

It's so wonderful to hear from you, obviously in hospital you can't find out what's going on. The guards have left me now, as I have been behaving so well, if only they knew!

I have had a little stroke of luck, you remember my cousin Big Hairy Ron, the short, bald guy you danced with at my Christmas party. Well he visited me yesterday, he's actually a porter at the hospital and he's promised to cut me out of my handcuffs when the night staff go for a break. He says he also might have a contact to help us when we are free from our prisoner status.

When the cuffs are released I will be able to get onto the roof and be ready for the drone and the harness. I knew those sewing classes we took a few years ago would come in handy, well done you, who knew how handy they would be.

Fancy you being the lightest person to escape, who would have guessed it? I bet you carried your cow pat hat off very well, if I recall you wore a hat similar to that for Ladies Day at Ascot.

I am rather worried about my night time flight as I have been overindulging in the hospital food. The staff are amazed how much I can tuck away; they clearly have never ‘enjoyed’ the catering in prison. this is like being in a 5 star hotel in comparison, I have gained quite some weight, as well as a reputation for being a human Hoover, clearing up everyone else’s meals as well as my own. Is there any chance you can reinforce the harness? If not I will just have to keep everything crossed the drone will take off again.

I wait for your instructions; I do hope this message hasn't caused you any uncomfortable vibrations.

Love from your friend Sue (still prisoner 654123 xx)

Hi Sue

No longer am I a prisoner but a free being and just waiting to meet up so we can live our planned life of luxury and decadence, of course with wine and chocolates.

I am with Hairy Ron and he last saw you hooked to the drone and flying west but I'm sure I said east. The trudge down to Canvey Creek was arduous so I smelt again of cow pats and sludge. Hairy Ron's boat is OK but a bit creaky fancy him calling it ‘Brainless Wonders’ – can’t think who he was thinking of!

The sails are up and engine runs fine; hoping to see you at Folkstone. Oh dear, the sailing has been so bad, my head is hanging over the side with Ralph and Huey. I am watching my stomach contents sail away back to Canvey.

I know me and Hairy have dipped into the wine and chocolates but that didn't make me bad. Honest!

At long last Dover Castle is in sight and we are drone spotting hoping to see you soon.

Lots of Love

Your soon to be ship mate Gerry

PS and of course Hairy

Hi Gerry my friend the free woman,

Our luck must have got better. I am just strapped into the harness. It's amazing what you can see from here. This drone is whirring and dipping a little and I'm afraid I feel very queasy. I bet James Bond never had this motion sickness; the wind is messing my hair up and I might not look my usual wonderful self.

Big hairy Ron got a message to me in the hospital and his mate boring Barry is going to pick me up on the outskirts of Dover. He works at the White Cliffs experience and is going to smuggle me through the tunnels so I can leap onto the boat. The only worry is that I don't trust Barry, I am sure he used to work in HMP Bullwood Hall; he has a very familiar face, especially that scar on his left cheek.

Several hours later . . .

Gerry I have landed in Dover and Barry has picked me up, he has demanded payment upfront from me. Ron never told me this was the arrangement, so Barry has taken most of my cash but I still have the fake passport and emergency £1000 that Ron passed on to me. I have hidden it in my bra, as you know I am quite well endowed so Barry won't think of checking there for anything.

It's very dark in the caves below Dover castle and I can hear footsteps following me. I'm sure it's just my imagination but the hairs on the back of my neck keep standing up. Barry is very hard to keep up with and he keeps muttering something under his breath. I can't quite catch what he's saying.

I've just realised that Barry is communicating with someone via his walkie talkie. Maybe he's arranging a special meal before I have to meet you.

Oh no I have just caught the end of his conversation; the slimy toad has only informed the prison where I am. Gerry, they are onto us, I am now running full pelt (but with a limp every now and then due to my injury in prison). I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Well I can just make out your boat with Big Hairy Ron on board, you two look very cosy. That looks like a very expensive bottle of red wine you two are sharing. I can hear heavy footsteps pounding behind me; I can't stop to turn round, the only option is that I am going to take a huge leap off the cliffs so all you need to do is catch me if you can!