Southend U3A

Writing for Fun

September 2017

Letting Go - Jeanette Rothwell

The letterbox rattled and the post dropped on to the hallway floor. Clare was just about to tuck into her breakfast but curiosity overcame her and she went into the hall and picked up the heap of mostly junk mail. On top was a white envelope, bearing her name and address in bold type. She quickly opened it and stared at the official document, her hands trembling as she read the contents. Her divorce was finally through and she was no longer married to Joe, her childhood sweetheart.

Tears blinded her for a moment. She brushed them away and went back to her breakfast. Just then her mobile phone rang and she answered it with a rather croaky voice.

Her friend Joan asked her if she wanted a lift to work to which she agreed.

‘You sound a bit croaky Clare, are you all right?’ asked Joan.

Clare explained about the divorce paper and Joan made sympathetic noises but promised she would do her best to cheer her up.

They went to a night club that evening and later both took to their beds decidedly squiffy but Clare had managed to put a smile on her face and join in the fun.

As the weeks went by Clare made a valiant effort to get out and about and not dwell on the past although the sense of betrayal she felt was still with her. She had loved Joe so much and he had cheated on her, more than once she later discovered. It was difficult to look at another male with any degree of trust.

Her friend Joan persuaded her to join a gym where she met Mike, one of the personal trainers. She wasn’t brave enough to hire him as a trainer but they became friends at the gym and over coffee one day he persuaded her to try climbing. There was a converted warehouse nearby with walls that had hand and footholds built in for those wishing to practice.

They agreed a day a few days hence but as the time grew nearer, Clare wondered whether she could go ahead with it. Her legs dragged as she approached the warehouse and she almost turned round to walk away, but Mike appeared at the door and greeted her with an encouraging smile.

She had never liked heights but she began to feel that she needed to move out of her comfort zone and attempt this climb if only for her own self esteem. Mike had agreed to climb with her. He assured her that she did not need to rush it and when Clare looked at the wall she was going to climb she could feel her heart pounding and looked down at her T-shirt to see if its beating was visible, it felt so strong.

‘Are you ready?’ Mike asked.

‘As I’ll ever be.’

She could feel the thick mats beneath her feet and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Was free climbing a good idea after all? Too late now.

‘You won’t get hurt,’ Mike said, seeing her uncertainty ‘Health and Safety and all that. We’re going to take it nice and easy, totally at your own pace.’

He reached for the first handhold and she watched as he pulled himself up and found places for his feet. She reached for the first hold, clasped her hand around it and followed Mike. Her legs shook with unfamiliar effort. She pulled herself up and found the holds with her feet, she was off the ground. She stretched her arms out and pulled herself to the next level. She daren’t look up or down but kept on moving until she was about halfway up. Suddenly she froze, the thought of where she was, and she couldn’t let go of the two handholds she was using. A rush of misery overcame her. Why was she doing this? She wanted to be with Joe in their little apartment, laughing and loving, planning for the future. Not trying to climb a cold warehouse wall the echo of other climbers around her, Mike above urging her on. She had to let go, not just the handholds on the wall, but her love of Joe. She had to move on. He wasn’t coming back. He had left her behind and already remarried.

She started to move on, reaching out, feeling for the holds with her hands and feet, focussing on her next move. This is how she must live her life, reaching for the next handhold, moving on without Joe, letting go of her sense of betrayal, allowing herself some anger, not self pity. In a few more stretches she was at the top. She sat alongside Mike looking down at the other climbers, moving like spiders across the wall.

‘Well done, Clare,’ Mike says, ‘You’ve completed your first free climb.’ He held up his hand and they high fived and she felt elated. Lesson over, she returned the shoes she had to hire and pulled on her jacket. She felt tired but exhilarated. She had pushed herself to her limit and it felt wonderful.

‘Going somewhere to celebrate?’ Mike asked.

‘Not sure,’ she said. She had climbed a mountain today, even if it was only in a warehouse. She knew now that she was going to let go, Joe was in the past, the future was looking better.