Writing for Fun
March 2017
The Unemployment Exchange [or should it be The Corn Exchange?] - Reg Pound
‘Next please.’
‘That’s me.’
‘Name?’
‘Nicholas.’
‘Nicholas who?’
‘Knickerless girls shouldn’t climb trees.’
‘Very funny, sir. Now, don’t waste my time. Name please?’
‘It’s the same as last week, and the week before, and the week before that. I’ve been signing on for the last six months and apart from when you had four weeks holiday and days when you threw sickies I’ve signed on with you. Don’t you remember?’
‘Oh yes, sir. So which of your names do you want me to use? Let’s see, so far you have been Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, James Bond, P. Nutt, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, shall I go on?’
‘No, don’t bother, using those names didn’t help me get a job did it? I thought bosses would be pleased to employ someone with a household name.
‘Well it doesn’t seem to have worked, sir. On top of that we don’t seem to have many vacancies for the job you are looking for such as, shoplifter (I think you probably mean shopfitter), pencil sharpener, Air Raid Warden, money launderer . . . I won’t go on sir. Anyway as you have now been signing on for over six months we now have to re-assess your claim for employment benefit and so we need to start from scratch so to speak.’
‘Name? And no mucking about this time or I shall have to refer you back to my supervisor.
‘Very well, it’ Doug Pern.’
‘Age?’
‘I’m two hours older than when I joined the queue.’
‘Birthday?’
‘November 10th.’
‘What year?’
Every year since 1970.’
‘Can you supply any references?’
‘Yes, I’ve got friends in high places. Yes sir, they live on the top floor of a block of high rise flats.’
‘I’ve heard that one, sir. What job shall I put down you are looking for this week?’
‘I rather liked that job you got me in the zoo.’
‘But you got sacked from that.’
‘I know but I thought it was a case of wrongful dismissal. Just because I left the lion’s cage door open all day. After all, who’s going to steal a lion?’
‘Would you like to try job-sharing again?’
‘That didn’t work last time did it?’
‘No sir. We couldn’t find a ventriloquist who wanted to employ a dummy, even though, you had the right qualifications. We have a job for a housekeeper doing non-heavy work.’
‘That isn’t what I meant when I said ‘Lighthouse Keeper’. But how about another job share. I rather fancy a job as a bookend, or a page turner for a church organist. That should only be one day a week.’
‘Sir, If you are not going to’ take signing on seriously, we shall have to stop your benefit.’
‘Ok. Perhaps you will tell me what I should do.’
‘Don’t think I haven’t been tempted sir, but we mustn’t use that sort of language towards our clients. It’s more than my job’s worth.