June 2013
'Fredrick Arthur Richard Turpin you have been found guilty of stealing a lorry load of Green Tea.'
'Do you have anything to say before judgement of this court is passed on you for this crime?' said the Judge from his lofty position in the court.
'Yes, my Lord. I can only repeat my plea that the jury have chosen to ignore, but I didn't steal this lorry, of all things Green Tea!' said the prisoner at the bar.
'I realise that you my Lord have your duty to do but in passing the sentence, I ask you to consider the following. As I look round the court I see the lawyers for the prosecution and defence and their assistance, the police officials, the prison officers, the various attendants, the newspaper reporters and those who are not actually in the court the cleaners, probation offices, the Insurance companies, the university law lecturers teaching the next generation of Lawyers, the wigmakers, the court robe makers and even the little girl who makes the teas in the solicitors office and all those others who make a living from criminals including the Administrators of Legal Aid. All these people in the final analysis depend on people like me to give a reason for their jobs. Therefore, my Lord could you open your heart and give me a much shorter sentence so that I can all the sooner return to my job of providing low cost items to people on low income who otherwise would not be able to afford them. To these poor people I feel I'm more of a Robin Hood character. In short I feel that I'm an asset to society rather than a nuisance, without my work many of you would be unemployed, perhaps struggling to pay the mortgage. To the ladies and gentlemen of the jury I hope you enjoyed the experience but I must tell you that you have been misled by the Lawyers twisting the evidence. Calm your minds as based on what I heard in this court I would have brought in a similar verdict but in the end as God is my witness I didn't do it,' said Uncle Fred.
'I've been a Judge in these courts for a number of years and I've never in all that time heard such a load of clap trap to justifying yourself as a criminal. I see from the record that you have a long list of crimes against your name and your family has been involved in criminal activity for years,' said the Judge.
'Well the family name is Turpin but we have never harmed anyone. We always plead guilty to those incidents we have committed,' called out Uncle Fred.
'Silence in court,' shouted the court usher.
'I've taken into consideration that no violence was involved in this crime. You will be sent to prison for two years. Take him down,' said the Judge as he passed sentence.
At this there was a stir in the court and one of Uncle Fred's nephews called out to him as they were taking him down, 'Don't worry Uncle Fred I'll look after your pigeons.'
This caused a ripple of laughter to run round the court; even the judge smiled.
With a wave of the hand Uncle Fred disappeared into the cells below the court room and the family returned to their home.
Bengee let the policeman into the sitting room where the members of the family were gathered.
'Seeing you have got company I think I must leave you now,' said Doris as she made her way past Inspector Brown.
'You take care Doris I might be seeing you and your family later,' said the Inspector as Doris passed by to the front door.
'Bengee, when you introduce me to your family next time please tell them it is Detective CHIEF Inspector Brown.'
'Oh! Bill you have been promoted that's wonderful. Congratulations, when did that happen?' asked Jill with a great smile on her face.
'A few weeks ago. I was on a course, so I wasn't around when Uncle Fred was being investigated. Otherwise l would have put a stop to it. Your Uncle Fred wouldn't be seen dead stealing a lorry load of green tea,' said Bill.
'Your words don't do any good as he has been sent down,' said Jill.
'Your Uncle Fred said he didn't do it and that's good enough for me and in certain areas he is as honest as the day is long. Unofficially I'll investigate and perhaps we will get him out on appeal,' said Bill going over to Jill and holding both her hands.
'I know you'll do your best for him,' said Jill.
'Tell me where is your eldest I haven't seen him around for some time,' asked Bill.
'Oh he is a bit of a family disappointment; he's gone to the Dental School at Leeds University to train as a dentist. Over seven generations of Practitioners of Crime and this happens,' said Jill with a sad look on her face.
'It happens in most families they have their black sheep, although in your case it's a white sheep,' replied Bill.
'How's your family I hope they are all ok,' asked Jill trying to change the subject.
'Oh they are all fine, in fact my eldest daughter has also joined the Dental School in Leeds so it is more than likely that she will meet your boy,' said Bill.
'Wouldn't it be terrible if they ever became engaged and decided to get married. Can you imagine the reception the police on one side and the Practitioners on the other. It doesn't bear thinking about,' said Jill with wide grin on her face.
'She has only just got there so what are the chances of it happening and if they did, I'm certain they would receive wonderful wedding presents from your family, but tell your family to acquire them from outside this area,' replied Bill.
'You are right Bill a lot of water has got to go under the bridge before that could happen,' said Jill.
'Bill would you and your Colleague like a drink. Bengee will you make it for them?'
'CHIEF Inspector what would you like to drink, we have Typhoo tea, chocolate, coffee, or I can make you some green tea.'