Southend U3A

From riches to rags - Richard Dobson

February 2012

It hadn't been easy; he never excepted it to be. Alfred 's father had told him, even when he was a small child, 'The world doesn't owe you a living.'

He grew up in the valleys, where the coal mines were declining, or being destroyed, depending on your point of view. It was too late for his father; but Alfred knew he had to get out. There was surely a better horizon beyond those green hills.

Although he was never the sharpest knife in the box and not the least bit academic, he was, at least, diligent, ambitious, and always thinking (day-dreaming his friends called it).

Then, one night, it came to him; the idea, or invention, which was to change his life: Padded Jackets for Free-Range Hens! (with the optional extra of leggings and miniature boots in the de-luxe version.)

Knowing nothing about poultry farming, he set about some basic research, and soon found there was, indeed, a problem waiting to be solved. Apparently every winter thousands of healthy hens were lost to hypothermia (or 'freezing to death' as they called it in the industry.)

A chance meeting with a junior reporter on the Valley Observer brought Alfred to the notice of a local businessman who was always open to opportunities for promising investments. After a few informal meetings it was agreed that Alfred would enter into a partnership agreement with this entrepreneur. Joe Smales, our businessman, realised the importance of publicity in any new venture.

Their new company did all the usual things: going to trade fairs, sending out samples to all the major producers, even a very small item on TV, but it was only when they got Twitter and You-Tube involved that things really took off. Before long they were flooded with orders from all over the UK, and even northern Europe - after the first year of operations they had three factories working round the clock, Alfred was now living in a grand penthouse apartment in Bristol which, to his rural eyes, seemed like the centre of the Universe!

The money poured in; there seemed no stopping them.

But, as it is said, 'The best laid schemes of mice and men do oft times go awry.'

Gradually reports started to come in that farmers hens, using the new protective clothing, had, mysteriously, stopped laying – and this soon came to be the end of the Golden Egg for our intrepid pair. After a further six months virtually all the poultry farms in the country had ceased to produce eggs. All the major Supermarkets started legal actions against the farmers for breach of contract and, in turn the farmers claimed compensation from 'Chicken-ware Ltd.'

The land-slide had begun and gathered momentum over the following months – until, finally the company was forced to declare itself bankrupt.

Subsequent research showed that the un-natural increase in the hens body temperature when wearing their new attire may well have saved them from freezing but, otherwise, had a serious effect on their egg-laying capabilities.

Back in the valleys Alfred, living on Social Security while training to be an un-employed plumber reflected on his temporary venture into the realms of high finance and the Good Life.

'Ah well, it was good while it lasted; but when I travelled from Rags to Riches little did I realise it would be a return ticket.'