April 2011
To the Sales Manager,
ACME Novelty Corporation.
Dear Sir,
I have been using your products for some years now, although, I am afraid to say, I have experienced some rather unfortunate difficulties whilst so doing, which I feel obliged to point out to you, but first, I feel it may assist if I give you a little background to my situation.
I have spent the last twenty two years in pursuit of a large bird which roams the Arizona highways and which, despite my own cunning and inventiveness, has so far managed to elude me. I have often, therefore, resorted to the purchase of items from your extensive and imaginative catalogue to assist me, but, although it has to be said that these products have largely performed in compliance with the description given in the catalogue, there have been several occasions on which unforeseen difficulties have arisen and from which I have suffered, at times, quite extensive personal injury.
I will give you two examples:
The ACME Ultra Zoom Rocket Skates: Out of the box, these skates looked magnificent, truly state of the art. Before use, I ensured that I carefully read the manual contained within and only when I was satisfied that I was fully conversant with their modus operandi did I finally put them on. I waited patiently behind the shelter of a convenient roadside boulder until I heard the familiar, 'Meep Meep!' of the bird, signalling its approach, then I ignited the skates. It was at that point that it became apparent to me that there was a serious omission in the instructions provided; what the manual should have included is a warning to keep both skates flat on the road surface and both pointing in exactly the same direction. Instead, uninformed of this fact and in the anticipation of success at last, I inadvertently lifted my left toe an inch from the road surface just at the point at which the rockets fired. Now, it is fair to say that the right rocket did appear to achieve the advertised thrust, accelerating along the road at around ten feet per second per second. However, the left, which was pointing up at an angle of approximately five degrees from the horizontal and thereby unhindered by friction from the road surface, managed to achieve an even more spectacular acceleration, although I am unable to estimate the precise figure, as I blessedly lost consciousness after the first few seconds.
The ACME Patented Super Thrust Sky Rocket: was very easy to assemble, felt reassuringly heavy on the back with a full payload and I do concede that it delivered a thrust that was probably in excess of that claimed. However, there were two serious deficiencies in the instruction manual that could have resulted in fatal consequences. The first was the failure to point out the five second delay which occurs between initial ignition and the inception of full thrust. Hidden in my cunningly concealed vantage point I had adopted a crouched stance, with the rocket perfectly lined up along a horizontal mark carved into the rock (I was taking absolutely no chances after the previous incident) when my nemesis came into sight. I pressed the ignition button; the rocket made a brief initial thrust and then fell silent. It was only when I stood up to look over my shoulder to see what the problem was, that the main thrust ignited and the rocket, no longer on the horizontal plane, surged skywards. It executed a perfect parabola, reaching a peak of around two thousand feet before the fuel expired and gravity took over. I reached for the parachute release strap, only to realise that the manual had failed to emphasize the need to ensure that this strap was fitted externally and easily accessible. After a few seconds of frantic scrambling, I did finally manage to uncover and pull on the release strap, but by this time I was only a matter of feet above the ground and I struck the ground heavily with the limp parachute collapsing on top of me. This, in itself, would have been serious enough, but the point at which I had landed was on a promontory of rock extending out over the deep canyon. I can assure you that the sound of rock in a canyon cracking at any time is a frightening experience, but nothing is as terrifying as the sensation of the rock that is directly beneath you cracking and then falling away into the abyss. The final outcome might yet have been marginally better had the rock stayed beneath me, but it didn't; it slowly rotated through 180 degrees in mid air as I fell through several hundred feet. Now I have to point out that I am not afraid of heights - I am perfectly content with heights - it is depths that terrify me and at that point I was terrified as I watched the canyon bottom racing up to meet me. But, I can assure you, that was nowhere near so terrifying as when my body rotated and I was able also to see the huge rock racing downwards towards me.
I hardly need to add that I hold you largely responsible for the considerable injuries I have sustained as a result of the hopelessly inadequate instruction manuals you provide with your otherwise excellent products, which I consider render them as 'not fit for purpose.' I enclose a copy of my extensive medical notes in order that you might consider suitable compensation.
Yours, faithfully,
Wile E Coyote
Ps. The manual also failed to point out that the residual charge that remains in the rocket, is prone to explode when compressed on impact.
Pps. Please excuse the handwriting, I am writing this from my hospital bed with all four legs in traction and the pen held between my remaining teeth.