Southend U3A

October 2023

Spoo...key - Jan Norman

King Aga laid back against the plush velvet squabs of the royal travelling coach and popped another chocolate into his mouth. ‘I’m so glad you persuaded me to travel by coach, rather than horseback, my dear. This has been an exhausting month, what with dealing climate change politics with all those foreign emissaries and the like. Lucky, too, that Sir Cost a Lot volunteered – when I asked him to of course – to host Halloween week for his king. I was dreading another very spooky night in our castle, where every year things seem to go bump in the night and I have to be very brave and find the cause.’

‘Mmm, yes dear, poor you. Now tell me about Sir Cost a Lot’s castle. You said it’s by the sea and very well appointed even though its small.’ murmured Queen Give it ‘ere, craning her neck to catch a glimpse of the lovely countryside and wave at Sir Rust a Lot riding beside the carriage. He waved back causing a landslide of rusty chain-mail to hit the road.

‘Yes, yes my sweet,’ gurgled Aga as he slurped the insides from a liqueur chocolate and then noisily crunched the outside. ‘That reminds me, I must inspect his new-fangled windows. He hasn't got just shutters like us my dear but swanky windows that open and have panes made out of near translucent sheets of cow horn would you believe. Mmmmm, if they are any good, I might get some for our castle.’

‘Aren't you jealous of his wealth, Aga dear,’ queried Give it ‘ere, trying to keep the rancour out of her voice? ‘He always struts around dripping in furs and jewels and the same goes for Betteranyou, his stuck up wife.’

Aga laughed and patted her hand. ‘Actually, I’m not. You see Cost a Lot is a merchant who trades around the globe and brings vast wealth and kudos to the kingdom of Cam a Lot – and to me of course. Besides, I admire the man because he is a fair trader and also respects and cares for the people he employs.’ Crunching the last nutty cluster, he forlornly inspected the now empty chocolate box and scrumpled it up. Refocussing on the present, Aga squeezed Give it ‘eres hand and murmured in his most dulcet tones, ‘His castle sits on an outcrop of land surrounded by sea. We may be lucky enough to see one of his many ships dock right beside his castle and watch it being unloaded of its exotic cargo, like Eastern silks and spices. You never know, if you are a good girl, perhaps I will buy you an early Xmas present dearest.’

After an enjoyable journey, the king, queen and huge entourage, including the knights of the nearly round table, their wives and their baggage, eventually arrived at castle Cost a Lot and were made comfortable by their hosts. A wonderful day was passed eating, drinking and being entertained and soon it was time for bed. Everybody retired to their luxurious bedchambers and soon all were fast asleep.

Suddenly, all hell let loose; all were rudely awakened by a tremendous crash which shook the castle walls. The windows on the seaward side of the castle imploded showering horn fragments everywhere and an eerie screeching, wailing noise – like a monster stick of chalk being dragged down the castle walls – filled the air, followed by a huge plopping, sucking sound as something soft blocked all the windows and cut off the moonlight.

King Aga shot out of bed and fumbled for his trusty sword whilst shouting for his manservant, sleeping just outside his room, to rally his knights. Whilst making a run in the near total darkness for what he thought was the door, his foot hit something soft and over he went, landing somewhat heavily on poor Give it ‘ere, who was on all fours, groping about for her shoes. ‘I’ve got something,’ he screamed and grabbed a soft bit. She screamed and clouted him round the ears.

‘It’s me, you nincompoop, not some ghastly apparition,’ she yelled in frustration and shoved him away.

Recovering, he stood up just as his manservant opened the bedroom door brandishing a lighted torch.

‘Thank the Lord, light at last,’ bellowed Aga. ‘Gervaise, you rally all the knights to me on the seaward side of the battlements and you, Give it ‘ere, see to the safety of the womenfolk.’ Without waiting for a reply, he snatched up his crown and jammed it on his head. With sword in hand. he rushed out of the room barefoot and clad only in his nightgown. It seems he could not escape a spooky Halloween after all.

Up on the ramparts the king and his knights, once in bright moonlight, soon discovered the cause of the disturbance; not ghosts or supernatural beings but a wooden sailing ship, one of the fleet owned by Sir Cost a Lot, had, whilst trying to dock below, been caught by a sharp gust of wind and listed to port so hard that the main mast had hit the castle walls and nearly broken in two. The sail, now loose of its moorings, had been blown hard against the windows, causing the uproar that had awoken them.

By this time, Captain Fairweather and his men had assembled on the deck, which was now against the sheer walls of the castle and, not being able to see the King and his men on the battlements, fear and superstition had taken hold of the crew.

Smelly Sam, the ships cook, started sobbing and shouting, ‘It’s all Hallows and we are doomed. Young Tomikins is still stuck in the crow’s nest and he’s doomed an’ all. As if on cue young Tomikins let out a terrible moan fit to make all listening cross themselves and look around in trepidation.

Then all went quiet, everyone trying to think how they could reach Tomikins who, working himself up into a frenzy, started shrieking fit to bust himself.

Sir Goes Berserk a Lot stepped forward. ‘There’s only one thing for it, we must abseil down the castle wall to the crow’s nest and rescue the young’un. I’ll go first.’

They jury rigged a rope harness for him to put his legs through but unfortunately this made his kilt ride up – and we all know what Sir Goes Berserk a Lot doesn't wear under his kilt, don’t we?

As he was lowered over the parapet, the harness tightened and pulled up even further. As the rope bit in he began to yell in chorus with Tomikins.

Smelly Sam, catching sight of Sir Goes Berserk a Lot’s bottom, in the moonlight, cried in abject terror: ‘Look the moon is falling from the sky. We are done for.’

Sir Prays a Lot, wearing his long white knitted cloak with hood, followed being lowered over the battlements but, seeing what happened to Sir Goes Berserk a Lot, decided it was prudent to put his feet into rope loops and hold the rope instead of wearing a harness.

Smelly Sam sobbed even harder. ‘Now see, there is a ghost descending from above. Pray lads, pray. I knew we shouldn’t have towed in that ghost ship.’

They all looked up and saw the same visions and fell to their knees praying as never before.

By this time the two knights had reached the crow’s nest and fastened a rope around the stranded boy and had him hauled to safety on the castle battlements.

The next evening Sir Cost a Lot threw a party to celebrate the safe return of his treasure laden ship and thank his king and his brave knights of the nearly round table for risking life and limb rescuing Tomikins.

A room was set aside to display all the exotic cargo from Captain Fairweather’s ship and all present were given a gift. King Aga received enough horn panes to make windows for his castle and Queen Give it ‘ere enough silk to make a multitude of gowns. All declared it was the best Halloween ever. Even poor old Sir Goes Berserk a Lot brightened up after being given and using some rare and expensive eastern healing balm on his sorely tried bottom.

The finale was the story told by Smelly Sam, after a good scrubbing of course, of the ghostly ship they had captured off the coast of Cornwall. They had boarded the helpless, drifting vessel only to find dinner had been set on the table but never eaten and no crew anywhere on board. The rest of the evening was spent speculating on the fate of the crew.

What had really happened?

Well folks, that is a tale for another day.